[How do we bring back free speech?] "The answer is journalists getting eyeballs so they can sell subscriptions and advertising, get sponsorships and do what media have done for, I don’t know, 3,000 years.”

3000 years, huh. 10th-century BC journalists be like Word has reached us that Tiglath-Pileser II is now King of Assyria, succeeding his father Ashur-resh-ishi II. He promises to be a strong leader who will increase spending on the military and keep the resulting rise in tax rates as low as he can. Subscribe today for more vital stories like this one, and don't forget to tell your friends that you like us. This clay tablet was brought to you with the support of Ashur-Ekil Baked Goods. When you think ḫuḫḫurtu, think Ashur-Ekil!