I’m pretty sure I’m in the small minority here but I personally feel like apologies are a better fit for accidents and miscommunications. If you steal from someone, cheat on someone, intentionally harm someone, etc. saying sorry doesn’t do much for me because if you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done it in the first place. I appreciate the apology, but that doesn’t move me. Trust is always regained through actions, not words. Perhaps you could argue that a person has a “change of heart.” Maybe that might make the apology more valid. But idk
I’ll give an example of an apology that counters your opinion, perhaps fits the bill. Plus, I feel like writing, keeps the grey matter oiled.
1995 (or thereabouts), Tulsa, OK:
Dated a beautiful woman for a month or two, far out of my league, think Dollar Store Carrie-Anne Moss. She invited me to a party in her swank (to me!) downtown apartment and then pointedly ignored me all night. “Oh hi. (side hug) Drinks are in the kitchen.”, and scooted off, leaving me alone in a room full of strangers. Fucking “toodles” I guess. At least her friends made some effort to chat me up. I expected to be shown off, introduced around, “This is Shalafi, the guy I’ve been dating!”, and hopefully gushing about? Being that I was her date, and everyone knew it, it was pretty fucking humiliating.
I’ve always been, at least moderately, socially adept. Tried to make a go of it, but I can read a room now and I could read a room then, bailed, not sure even I made my excuses. The scene was all rather surreal, don’t remember much. But as I left, that memory is burned into my very DNA.
The instant the apartment door clicked she sang out in a voice projected to carry a roadhouse, “Thank GOD! I thought he would NEVER leave!” A few nervous chuckles followed, mostly a brief silence before the party resumed full blast. Surprisingly, there wasn’t a 90s sitcom record scratch. Decades later, I can clearly see her door and hallway, see myself staring at that eggshell wall, thinking that could not have just happened to adult me. Took me right back to elementary school ass beatings.
God damn that hurt. She hadn’t shown any signs she wasn’t into me. A few days previously, she had damned near torn my clothes off in that same room! (No condom in my pocket, no sex, there’s a lesson in that me boyos.) And I was so into her. Beautiful, intelligent, well read, a talented artist, all that. Guess I wasn’t up to her social standards, hell, maybe she was just slumming with the long hair guy. God damn that hurt.
Years later had my first IT job. Working downtown no less! Finally felt like a grownup. Being 10 o’clock people, I had seen her several times smoking outside her office building. One cloudy December morning she determinedly crossed Boulder Ave., head held high, looking me in the eye the whole way. Fuck could she possibly want? I wasn’t certain she even recognized me. Can’t remember the words, but she laid down the most heartfelt apology I ever expect to receive. It was short enough, while still conveying her misery. None of that, “I’m sorry you felt…”, crapola. Nah. More like, “I humiliated you and you didn’t deserve what I did to you.” No excuses, no explanations of where her head was at time, just the facts ma’am and can you forgive me? She knew how keenly she hurt me and had carried that shame and guilt for years. I absolutely forgave her, no reservations, no recriminations. I’ll always admire that woman for her clear sincerity and sheer guts. 26-years later, she’s still forgiven.
Would you forgive?
Ofc I would forgive. Notice in my statement I said I appreciate apologies, they just aren’t my main factors for rebuilding trust. If it was me in your case I would accept the apology and leave it at that. I probably would’ve been more interested in understanding why she felt the need to act like that in her apartment than the actual apology. But I’m glad your situation worked out
Maybe I’m naive, but I would have fully trusted her after that apology. Again though, that was a few years later. I would not have trusted if she laid that down after a week.
Wondered for years about that scene. Wasn’t far out of my punker years, may have been wearing my motorcycle jacket or some such? Didn’t feel like a fish out of water though, not like I was dropped into a formal ball and everyone else was wearing a tuxedo. (But I can jam to that if need be!) Didn’t feel wildly outside my economic circle, just a group of 20-somethings at a house party. All very strange to be rejected so.
Writing all that may have given me an epiphany, so I thank you for the opportunity to relive this! We were both heavy drinkers at the time. Maybe she sobered up and was at the “apologize to those you’ve hurt” stage? Even if that were the case, still doesn’t diminish her bravery, though maybe she had a little practice by then? :)
