Been in a relationship for a year, since early in the relationship my partner has been suffering with chronic back pain. This pain is almost always present, this causes breakdowns multiple times a week, especially on weekends.
I’ve been having a hard time helping her manage her pain and being there for her, it reoccures so much that I’m starting to feel myself becoming apathetic towards her, and sometimes outright cold.
I haven’t really been getting a chance to rest from being emotionally available, or even socially available (even though life circumstance already caused me to basically halt all social life). And i haven’t really had a weekend this past months that i could use to rest instead of being on call and hearing her cry most of the day.
I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup and that I don’t have any other choice, otherwise I’d be leaving her to deal with it herself.
It feels like it’s going to be the end of our relationship, any advice?
p.s. we’re a man-woman relationship, young adults, both of us not really experienced in relationships, if that’s any help.
First thing in any relationship: your own happiness. You’re young, so you probably still have indoctrinated love ideas a la Disney, eternal love, total self sacrifice and all that bullshit. It’s feel-good nonsense.
I repeat: the absolute first priority in any relationship is your own happiness. Does it help anybody that she has chronic pain and is unhappy, and now you’re unhappy too? Obviously not, it would be, from a total utilitarian perspective, a much better situation if she was unhappy and you were happy. Total happiness would have increased.
What this means is: you can only support her as much as you are comfortable with it. Like seriously, what is the alternative? Like you say right now, that you’re so emotionally drained that the relationship ends? Then the situation would be even worse: she wouldn’t get any support at all anymore. What’s better, the little support you can give without sacrificing your own happiness, or no support? Obviously the little support.
Now if that is “enough” for her, that is for her to decide. She might decide that she wants a partner that can support her more. Obviously it’s a huge gamble, there aren’t many people who can deal with a lot of negativity all the time.
Of course, the initial rant about Disney love comes from somewhere. Your thought of being so self-sacrificingly supporting was instilled in you from somewhere. Likely you and people around you think that it’s the “good” thing to do. They would be wrong, but that won’t stop them from giving you shit probably in the way of “oh how could you be so evil and stop supporting your poor poor girlfriend”. This is, in my opinion, abuse. Yes, she has it harder. Is thus your happiness unimportant? Obviously not. But it may be laid out as if it were.
In summary: listen to yourself. Focus on your own happiness. Do only as much as you can. Explain to her why. Tell her everything you think, everything you feel. If she loves you, she won’t want to pull you down with her. And the funny, ironic, unintuitive thing will be, once you focus on yourself and are more happy you will also again be able to support her much better. Take your rest, take a break, don’t support her when it pulls you down. Be assertive about your own needs, even if she has it worse.