Since my polymorph meme has only garnered three downvotes so far I thought I’d offer a bit more controversial take, and see if I can manage to stir the pot a bit with this one.
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Where is the extra HP coming from tho
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Vampiric touch counts how much damage you deal, not how much hp the target loses.
It’s definitely a flavor fail, but unless you houserule in a cap to damage dealt at 0 hp, (and houserules for how to handle massive damage and the rules for being dealt damage at 0 hp that would be affected,) there’s not a limit to how much hp you gain based on the hp of the target.
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I would recommend somewhere non-vital, for instance, left buttcheek.
