In other news, my friend got me to try carrot in his meat and potato pie, and I was all “keep that orange shit off my plate” but he was persistent and I caved and tried it for the first time in a decade (with a big chunk of meat) and I didn’t hate it at all.

I shouted at him when he fed me “some kind of exotic shredded fruit peel cake, try it, it’s really moist and tasty” and when I liked it admitted it was carrot cake. I shouted a lot, and he just laughed at me and offered me another stupid delicious slice, the git.

So I think the lesson we all learned is that when I think I can’t possibly be persuaded to try something and that I find the very idea unpleasant, I might well be wrong. Quite, quite wrong.

So, Jamie, wherever you are these days, sorry. If I had my time over I’d give it a try. The internet agrees with your point about who gives the best head, and I hope you’re happy somewhere with some lucky guy who is indeed having the Jamie “I wouldn’t just blow your dick, I would fucking blow your mind” treatment. Seems stupid in retrospect not to have said yes.

You did say “call me when you’re drunk and horny enough”. Well, today’s that day, but I don’t have your number and there’s no way I’m involving our parents in a decade-overdue “Does Jamie want to come round to play?”

I’m a man. I can make myself cum. Therefore, I must be gay.

Once I did it with my right hand, but I’m left handed, if you know what I mean. You really notice the dick in your hand when you do it that way, I can tell you. I learned some things about myself that day. Things I didn’t tell my homies, despite them all having dicks that I had very much not been thinking about, but which must inevitably have similar fundamental characteristics.