I have what I call the Feeling Things Meter. Meaning that in a certain period of time, about one to three days, I have a set amount of feelings I am allowed to feel. If I exceed the number of feelings and fill up the meter I blank out and get to feel nothing at all. I can feel the Meter filling up, and I know when I am about to exceed it.
This also applies to feelings from movies, shows, games books and music. So I have to carefully plan out my entertainment around life events as best I can.
As you can imagine it becomes incredibly hard to navigate adult life with no feelings. And not just the big feelings but the little ones too. No drive to go out and do the shopping. No satisfaction of completeing a task. No disappointment if I screw something up. Nothing.
No one else in my life has this, or anything close to it. Most people look at me like I’m a crazy person when I try to explain it. I’m always making excuses for not wanting to watch movies or shows with friends, or bailing when a sad song comes on.
Please, I just want to know someone else has this problem. Anyone. How do you cope? Do you even listen to music? Do you have to leave movies halfway through becuase you couldn’t take it?
I just want to know I’m not alone.
It can be so frustrating because it feels like any number of factors can be the culprit, from consuming certain drugs or alcohol which can impact sleep, which can then impact how your body and mind process and break things down, from natural hormone cycles, from unexpected life events that require more in-depth engagement than the usual routine, from what kind of food you’re consuming and the sugar/fat/etc. content, to how often you are getting exercise and moving your body around… It’s impossible to have a perfect and consistent day, week, month, or year, but it’s possible to give yourself patience and kindness and the mindfulness to realize “well, today perhaps I hit my limit early due to factors beyond my control” and that’s totally okay. There are days and even weeks when I feel great throughout and can feel on top of my social and productivity game, and, more often than not, there are days where I just can’t convince myself to get out of bed, can’t convince myself to get off the couch, can’t see any reason to socialize or make healthy food choices or be productive, and sometimes that’s okay, sometimes you just gotta be patient with yourself and do something that makes you feel comfortable and not stress out about what’s “normal” or “right.” We only get the one life, so I believe that instead of worrying if we fit the mold properly it’s better to just do what makes us feel good and doesn’t make the world worse to live in, if we can. I hope you can reach your goal of a week long meter some day!! But don’t beat yourself up if it feels like you aren’t making the progress you want all the time ❤️
