Straight face only means I want to fight. Any kind of smiling is passive aggressive. Looking sad means I want to fight. And of course looking angry means I’m angry with you and specifically you and nothing else. The only way to Fix My Face is to just hide it entirely.
I really hate my ugly ass face for all other reasons, but being unable to order food in person without a cashier thinking I’m angry and willing to fight over the pettiest thing possible is the last straw.
I can’t wait until I don’t need to work anymore and I can just shut myself away from society and be a white vtuber or something. If I really want fast food then I’ll do no contact delivery so the deliverer doesn’t assume I’m angry at them for literally doing their job.
Can’t even apologize for bumping into someone without them assuming I’m angry that they’re in my very important way. Whoops, sorry, excuse me, doesn’t matter what I said, it’s passive aggressive and I want to fight.
Can’t say anything is fine or okay, can’t thank anyone, can’t wish them a nice day, can’t greet them, can’t say anything without it being taken aggressively. And not saying anything at all is silent treatment, or passive aggression.
Can’t thank anyone for a gift. Every holiday, I was “ungrateful” for everything. My smile was fake and the thank you was sarcastic. I hate holidays, birthdays, and gifts for that reason.
So many black women glorify this as “culture”. I might as well be the only black woman who isn’t petty, passive aggressive, or overly willing to fight someone. I really wish I had just died at birth since clearly something is wrong with me.
No, there’s nothing wrong with you.
One of my close friends (originally online only) has a similar problem and early on she even got me thinking she was angry at me just from the harshness of her voice, but turns out that’s just kind of how she sounds and our group of friends accept her. She prefers her online persona, though, since she does hate herself and how she looks. I think she gets a lot of self loathing from her strict, stressed out single mom.
I think her online persona helps her get over it. A “white vtubers” in your case could maybe help get a load off. Give yourself some balance. There’s something to be said about online friendships since they often start with the written word, and once you find people who like you for who you are, it’s not hard to slowly explore your own self identity. It’s a long road out of self loathing, though, and I hope you can find people you can confide in as my friend found.
