I usually put on a brave face here, but I must admit that I’m still a lil sad that I’ve never experienced a relationship; less for the sex and more for the connection. I don’t truly know if anyone I’ve met in person has ever been into me (except for the person who gave me unwanted massages, but that isn’t the same) >_<
Heavier stuff
I’ve never liked the idea of meeting people or doing things just for relationships. I’m not proactive in any way, as almost all of it feels desperate and scary. I don’t like interacting with ulterior motives, and I get so uncomfortable when it comes time to flirt. On top of that socializing is so tiring, and I’m just not motivated enough to do more than the minimum. It’s hard work, so it doesn’t get done because I suck at doing things that I’m not motivated to do.
Being wanted online is something, but I still yearn more substantial experience. While I have learned to handle the shame, I can’t help my feelings of loneliness. I can’t fully fill that hole with family, friends, or online community. I’d probably want it again just as much if I did have it in the past, but at least I wouldn’t be as scared. At least I’d understand more than unrequited feelings
Preach sister
It’s one thing to have someone online say they care about you and intellectually accept it and another to have someone casually hold on and make you feel ok
I hate balancing the mental equation of “how much do I hurt now vs how much could I hurt really trying to find someone and failing” and wondering if I’m even really capable of accepting affection
Being torn by desperately not wanting to hurt people and being terrified they’ll like me more than I like them while simultaneously being way too attached to anyone who shows me affection
Knowing odds are very good the more someone gets to know me the less they’ll like me
Knowing that if I miraculously find someone I’m compatible with I just don’t have the energy to put into a relationship to make it work
Personally, I’m done trying. I know you’ll get there though, you have an incrediblely tenacious spirit, of my chats with you are anything to go by
I do have tenacity, but I wasn’t born with it. My spirit was next to nonexistent for most of my life, ravaged by dysphoria and self hatred. Getting a hold on my dysphoria might’ve been essential to building myself, but it wasn’t the only part. To truly want to fight for myself, I needed to love myself.
Oof, that hit me harder than I expected. I imagine love is one of those things that get easier once you’ve done it once and know how to recognize it, but right now I wouldn’t know what it’s like at all. I’ve never in my life been in a situation where I thought I could make a move. I must have missed at least one opportunity, I refuse to believe I’ve never even stood a chance.
Have you tried group travel? It allows you to interact with new people without any expectations. It’s also very low stakes because you don’t have to see any of those people again after the trip.
After being a semi-whore in high school and having a long term ex: the only thing that’s changed for me is I no longer want people who are into me because they’re also lonely. It never lasts, or ends well, or goes well once they stop feeling lonely. I’ve never had someone tell me I’m a bad person or I could do something better, I just wasn’t what they actually want. And I have not leanred how love works in the slightest either lol
That’s the strange part. I probably understand more about building a healthy relationship at an intellectual level. I know that you need to genuinely be good friends with someone for a relationship to last. I’ve seen such relationships, as well as those that didn’t have it, so I’m not clueless. The hard part is reaching out
:( I really feel this. I’m so horribly lonely and touch starved, but it’s so scary and uncomfortable to try to “put myself out there” and it feels so awkward and wrong to actively flirt with / pursue someone.
I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve been out of school for a few years and it feels like I’ve missed my opportunity of finding a relationship when I was surrounded by people. Now I can barely leave the house, and even if I did actually meet someone I don’t see how people my age who have been in 5+ relationships would even be interested.
Also I’ve at least been in a “relationship” when I was a kid, and just having a fuzzy memory of what it’s like to cuddle and kiss someone makes it feel worse to be alone. So I don’t think having something in the past always helps.
Anyway I hope you find love some day.
This whole time I just assumed you were lonely depression posting ironically. Your brave face is effective.
<3 take care I wish you the best <3
