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No it’s not.
We need to seriously, as a society, treats this level of greed as a serious, in patient, mental illness that requires treatment.
- “As a society,” could be placed at the beginning of the sentence instead of as an interjection, which eliminates the need for one comma.
- The verbs are conjugated incorrectly; “treats” should be in the infinitive, since “need” is the active verb.
- “In patient” should be hyphenated.
- “In patient” should not have a comma after it, since it is the last adjective in a list. “Mental” is not an adjective in this instance, because it is part of the noun.
- Using “seriously” and “serious” in the same sentence is repetitive and unnecessary.
- “That requires treatment” is redundant, as OP already said “treat " and “in-patient,” which implies “that requires treatment.” Personally, to clear things up I would uncouple"in-patient” from “serious mental illness,” which takes care of several of these issues.
- If you ever see four commas in a non-compound sentence, it’s almost certainly done incorrectly. At the very least, the structure could probably be cleaned up.
Here’s what the sentence could look like:
As a society, we need to diagnose this level of greed as a serious mental illness requiring in-patient care.
See? Cleaned it right up. Now it’s down to fewer words and fewer commas while conveying the exact same information.
Remember folks: “when in doubt, leave it out.”
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Remember when everyone got together online and decided that we love people who point out grammatical errors in social media?
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