I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
You’re being extremely hard on yourself here; I say so because I struggle with the same thoughts and the same issues. Have you considered that you might have some mental health issues going on that could use therapy or treatment? Or that you might be neurodivergent? I’m autistic with bipolar disorder, and perhaps adhd. I believe that if it was a moral failing on your part. You wouldn’t actually be so disturbed by the difficulty you have in applying yourself. People who don’t care, just don’t care imo.
I have an extremely hard time due to these things. My executive functioning is pretty fucked. Motivation is something I just don’t possess, to the point of not even being able to leave the house even if it’s to do things I normally like to do. I’ll stand up to get ready to do it, and sit right back down, it’s a constant fight. It’s also extremely hard to keep routines, and some regular hygiene stuff has become extremely taxing or hard to remember. Doesn’t help that we are living in a hellscape, that just exacerbates things.
I’m in a period of pretty severe burnout, and it fucking sucks. But I think since I recognized that I do suffer from cognitive difficulties that other people don’t, it’s helped me to be a little bit kinder to myself. When I’m kinder to myself, I beat myself up less and I think that helps me to do more than I would otherwise.
Regarding neurodivergence, I am suspecting more and more that I am autistic. I talked to my mother about my early childhood and I had a lot of sensory issues and coordination issues that took a lot of extra care and occupational therapy to get to a point I could function somewhat normally.
It’s definitely worth looking into. I never in a million years would’ve thought I was autistic until my psychologist put it on the table. Then I started looking into it and it really resonated a lot.
If you’d like to chat a little bit about it I’m really happy to share my experience and some resources, either here or through dm or whatever. It really could help reframe things for you, and maybe help to figure out workarounds and strategies to be able to function a but better than constantly trying to fight against it
