10 points
*
There are too many commas and the phrasing is awkward. The first and last two commas are grammatically incorrect.
1 point
Removing those commas only makes it the more awkward. Don’t apply for editing jobs.
1 point
Grammar isn’t a matter of opinion, and incorrect grammar doesn’t make anything less awkward. We’re not talking about Oxford commas, these are just wrong.
1 point
