I don’t know how to express or articulate my thoughts and my vocabulary and grammar gets messed up the more I write so I will just write simply.
What I’m trying to say is that every day or hour or minute or everytime you think, you feels like your original selves is dying. I know that we are constantly growing but i just can’t stop thinking that whenever we grow or learning new things or start to think differently, our past selves is dead. I think back to my past selves in middle school, highschool and from 2022 and think, aren’t they dead? No matter what i do or think or whatever happens to me, i can’t bring back the personalities or "me"s from the past. They remain dead and continue to being dead. Unless they are exist in another timeline or universe.
What exactly is identity, consciousness or the self which is me? I don’t know nor understand but this idea just stuck in my mind and occasionally appears when I’m bored, stressed or relaxed.
I highly recommend the book Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz. It’s helped me a lot, and boils down to the idea that we have “parts,” and that our thoughts and feelings can sometimes be diametrically opposite.
It, along with being able to speak with zero inhibitions to my therapist that makes me feel heard and my thoughts not seem batshit insane, has really brought up a lot of old memories and scared parts of myself. What I thought was anxiety, I’m learning to notice as a fear I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and that fear helped me survive a lot of my early years of trauma.
I can guarantee that this book will give you a sense of the answer you’re asking for.
Here’s a poem I wrote last night:
01:53
I miss the point,
a lot of the times,
Because I think about,
The consequences
Repercussions,
The echoes in my mind,
They’re not helpful,
They’re not relevant.
I can never reach,
That inner calm,
That lets voice surface,
Because it’s screaming to be heard.
I can’t make conclusions,
There’s too much doubt,
And though I see now,
Why
I don’t know how, To stop running,
It used be to away,
And now it’s sprinting forwards.
But there’s so much wrong,
So much to figure out.
Rushing hard doesn’t help,
When I don’t know the route.
I can’t avoid feelings,
But with them, I’m always lost.
I can’t seem to feel my feelings,
When they’re always pushing,
And I’m always reeling.
Try all I can,
Give all I’ve got,
That’s the way,
I brought me up.
02:10
