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Hmm, what of rolls? Ciabatta, Kaiser rolls? Even croissants? By this definition it seems they’d be burgers, since rolls are cut in half. But then my roast beef sandwich is a lying, cold, sad burger

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You have weird Ciabattas if you think that Ciabatta is a kind of bun and not a bigger loaf. Croissants are pastry. And yes, burgers made with Kaiser rolls are totally burgers:

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