Hi,
My partner ( M 40 ) is having a lot off troubles at the moment. He has normally pills to help hin out SSRI medicine and also some for ADHD but that doos not do much in my opinion.
When he started the adhd ones I was hoping we found the problem. Cause he is more than 20 years looking for the right help. Sometimes it is doable, sometimes good… But even with the pills he gets times that it is hurting him to be awake. Normal he also smokes weed to get a bit off the feelings gone.
Recently he started to drink (wodka/whiskey/rum) yust to be a bit relaxed. Specially when he is without his weed. About a half a bottle a day. Befor he was not a drinker and was always sober.
This week he got sick and everything that was a bit good seems to be forgotten. It was not a full week that he was what i would call resonanle. It is the 6th time he gets this deep in a few years. That can last weeks.
He feels incompetent / wast of space / bad example for our son ( 13 ) / negative to be with / should be gone out off our lives / has a cassandracomplex about the earth and society ( pollution, war with russia, monny…) He can not enjoy his hobbies and wants to be dead.
We talk. I try to make him understand that he is worth a lot to me ( us ) but he sais I need to get me a real man.
I try to make him do thinks like walking just to be in the sun, move and see light that day but i cant force him.
I try to talk and make him see that he has a job, a house, us, family… but than he sais he doos love us and that is the reason he has to be gone. Than our life will get good.
I suggest massages but he feels i should not be bothered. I do. He is my partner.
I gave stupid tasks before to help him get doing something. Finishing something. Accompliching stuff. But no.
I m telling that his life did not turn happy after his father died ( when he was about the age off our son now ). That he wiched he could speek to him. Talk, ask questions… but those are wiches and not possible. Waste off time and emotions. He almost can not cry but wendsday he did while talking about his dad and his hate for himself.
Last time it was bad I adked his mon to tell him more about his dad. He knows a lot about him but i wanted to get him to talk.
He is seeing a psychologist… Our next apointment is the first week off juli. Seems so far away now.
If one off you knows a thing i can do. Plx tell me.
This time I feel so powerless and useless to get him what he needsn
(Obligatory: I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I’ve been in your husband’s shoes, and all of the men in my family are living with depression)
First, thank you so much for even sticking by your husband and reaching out to find ways you can help. It is all too common that people get frustrated when their significant other is trapped by depression and push them away or don’t seek to understand. Your husband is a lucky man.
On the flip side, supporting someone in difficult times like this can be taxing. Don’t feel guilty for seeking your own support, such as your own therapy sessions with a psychologist. Supporting someone else becomes so much easier when you also have a system behind you as well, rather than going alone because they are the ones with depression. I did not do myself any favors by essentially doing what it sounds like you are doing, but for my ex-wife, being her safe space/anchor while she worked on her general anxiety and a lot of suppressed childhood trauma, but it took a huge toll on me as well, basically ignoring my needs because I was dedicating everything to her.
Some context on my opinions here: I was someone who was a “gifted kid” (advanced classes in school, extra curricular activities, science summer camps, etc) and lived almost 30 years without an ADHD diagnosis because it was a dirty word back when I was young. Today I’m living today the related depression as an adult when it’s hard to keep up with things “normal” people take for granted and a lot of social anxiety from a difficulty forming strong lasting relationships.
I’d like to offer some suggestions that may help, some of which have helped me, while others have helped my family but weren’t successful for me:
- Therapy: all three of us in my family have our own therapist, and we all have our own cadence for that. Sometimes being able to speak to a neutral third-party is easier than talking to a loved one, because they may still be unconsciously trying to hide their “weakness” from those that they love. Also, if your situation allows, try “shopping around” for a therapist, including trying a psychologist (not sure if your country has the distinction, but in all of the places I’ve lived, a psychologist does therapy but cannot prescribe medication, while a psychiatrist can; having one or both can be helpful).
- Try to limit his use of alcohol as a self medication, it’s one of the worst things for you if you’re already fighting depression, as it just reinforces the depression mindset of feeling stuck and listless. If he’s resistant, try suggesting things like non-alcoholic cocktails/beer, which can help by continuing the “routine” while replacing it with something of a placebo effect
- Medication isn’t for everyone, and even if it is right, not all anti-depressants or ADHD meds are the same. If he hasn’t already, I encourage you to speak with your husband and medical provider about trying other options. My dad went through about 5 anti-depressants before he found one that felt right for him
- break routines: one of the hardest things for me is breaking out of a downward spiral that can be weeks in the making. You mentioned that you’ve tried to get him to do this, but I encourage you to change tactics (e.g. instead of asking him to go for a walk, tell him you’d like to check out something he’s interested, like a museum or concert or whatever, but you’d feel better going with him there to guide you. It gets him out of the house and might give an ego boost as he’s able to share something he’s passionate about with someone he loves)
- Celebrate even the small victories. When your husband is able to do those small chores you mentioned, show him that you understand how hard it was for him and that you appreciate his effort. Try to align these with his “love language”, be that words of affirmations, gifts, or whatever. But when he can’t, while it will probably feel frustrating, try not to let him see that, and instead meet him with that same compassion and understanding
I wish you the best of luck, it’s not easy for anyone, but like I said, your husband is a lucky man to have someone so loving at his side.
