“You said you didn’t know. But i know. Leave gender out of this.”
Why would this not work?
Okay, here’s what I can share.
The problem is that some people are hot garbage at explaining what they’re feeling while seeking emotional validation. In situations like this, they’re in a place of distress where thinking through stuff is just hard. The dialogue that GP lays out has subtext that can only be deduced by reading the parts where she is angry. In this case, her angered response at closing a knowledge gap strongly suggests that she really just wanted to be heard and supported.
I think she might be bothered by the fact that the mechanic asked her to do something where she’s out of her depth. This sets up the following thoughts in her mind:
- I didn’t really know how to take care of my car
- A man had to explain that to me
- I now have to do a thing that I don’t know how to do
- It’s obvious to everyone at the auto shop that I don’t know what I’m doing
… which is a recipe for embarrassment and vulnerability. And she’s gonna carry that feeling home. GP should follow up with a dialogue that demonstrates care and support, so she can process all this. If she really wants material help, like proper auto care, she’ll ask once she feels safe to do so.
That said, it’s impossible to know for sure without confirming anything. To do that, we must be proactive with such people and ask smart questions up front to figure out where they want the conversation to go. But you’re going to have a whole conversation about this so make sure you have the next 30-60 minutes available. Also, pack your patience, because this has 0% to do with you, your feelings, and your answers to “problems”. Literally anyone is able to do this, but she trusts you to be there for her.
Say things like this:
- I’m here for you.
- Are you in a “talking about feelings” place or “I’m looking for solutions” mode?
- And how did that make you feel? (keep asking this throughout the conversation)
- That sounds terrible/awful (or good/nice depending on the response - key here is validation)
- “Mirror” - repeat back to them what you understand they told you (this works better than you think)
Do not:
- Offer alternate interpretations to what was said - if you must, ask if they’re okay with this
- Escalate the mood - your role here is to bring serenity and support, don’t add to the bad vibes
- Explain/mansplain/lecture in this moment - people sometimes need a whole day to get over stuff
- Insert yourself into the conversation - even relating an anecdote can come off as a lecture
- Enable bad behavior or call it out - this isn’t about you or your moral ethos, leave that for later
This may seem like a real chore to some people; it did to me at first. The “right” answer may seem like “teach a man to fish” and all that. It’s so simple, right? But here’s the rub: we should all be doing this, and we should all be so supported. Having your bad day met with “well, here’s what you should have done instead” is just a miserable way to live.
And yeah, absolutely awful people abuse this framework, can’t introspect, and/or never learn. It’s possible you’re in this situation right now, so be smart about it. Be mindful of patterns and ask to be heard in kind (reciprocate) when you think or feel you’re being taken advantage of (e.g. “you keep coming to me for support for the same problem over and over and I feel used”). When your feelings are being dismissed, stepped on, or outright abused, that’s the moment to re-think things. Seek help elsewhere.
