TL;DR, most people are reasonable and can tell the difference. We cool.
People where English is not their first language get a pass. There is usually a very telling inflection when someone says āfemalesā and means it in the bad way. I would rather help people with their English and explain that it is best to not say it that way, than get upset over our language being unnecessarily complicated.
The context of how female is said is even more confusing. Best way I think is if you are referring to a group of people or a specific person as female(s), that is bad. If you are referring to something about our gender, a description, or something impersonal, then that is fine. āFemale anatomy.ā, āI hate being female.ā, āThere was a female guard at the station.ā
While it is puts me on edge when I hear it (in that bad context), it isnāt like they called me a cunt or something really foul. It is usually just an immediate red flag that we may be dealing with an incel, but letās see where this goes. Usually doesnāt take long to get a confirmation on how they really meant it.
I personally already know the connotation of āfemale/sā in English and avoid using it, so thatās not an issue for me.
It was more of a reminder (to some native speakers, yeah, I shouldnāt have generalized) not to assume the worst of people saying it, because they might not know. In the whole thread there was just this one comment reminding people that ESL people exist, and it was pretty downvoted so I wanted to add on that.
Plus, as you said, most of those Tate-types have a dozen other red flags attached to them, so imo thereās not really any point in attacking people just for misusing a word (especially online where you canāt rely on vocal inflection or accent). It just drives non-native speakers away from conversations.
(Also, ironically, as far as I know ācuntā is pretty much a greeting in Australia so even from that alone you canāt really assume anything. Context is always important, unless you know 100% youāre speaking with someone who grew up in the same country)
