Yesterday was the first time in my life I came close to self-harm. I bought some bralettes and gaffs to, I don’t even know, try to look more feminine I guess? But I tried them on and I looked, for lack of a better description, breathtakingly revolting. So bad I think I must have disassociated for about fifteen minutes, no thoughts no emotions, just pulling them off me like live snakes. Then I had a breakdown.

I had to fight the urge all day yesterday and today to delete this account, and my matrix account, and discord, and any other account I could remember, fight the urge to isolate myself from everyone and everything so I would never have to be perceived by anyone ever again.

I’m out of E today. My next appointment is in three days. This is the first time I’ve been without it since I started and I’m a little scared about how it’s gonna feel, but I’ll make it. After all, I made it this far… Just gotta make sure I don’t bite the heads off my coworkers.

deleted my decade-old tumblr account a week ago today because i’m so fucking tired of the aggressive culture there, found out i owe seven months of backpay to my out-of-state storage unit trying to find out if i could transfer the unit to my sister so she can take care of the bill (or at least take everything out), had a rough therapy session (that capped off nicely with her asking my name and pronouns as i came out to her the week before), and uhhh, iunno.

yesterday’s stardew session with my fandom group wasn’t fun mainly due to how short it was and we were down one. i’ve been missing having talks with these folks but everyone’s too busy anymore. i gotta get out of this damn house but it’s the fucking surface of venus outside (hyperbole).

:D