Bryan Johnson, 45, is shocking his, uhm, Johnson in hopes of never dying? Did I get that right?
Bryan Johnson, the 45-year-old man whose pursuit of eternal youth has driven him to swap blood with his 17-year-old son, is directing his attention below the belt. His belt, to be specific. Tomorrow he will start getting Alprostadil injected into his penis as a part of his “penis rejuvenation” journey. That’s right: Johnson is trying to rejuvenate his Johnson. Godspeed, I suppose.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Alprostadil is used to treat erectile dysfunction, Johnson says he’s using it to increase “ejaculation vol[ume]” and “max urination speed” as well. I’m sorry to have to inform you that this man is also getting his “penis plaque” checked, which is apparently scar tissue or something that could slow down the speed of things coming out of his dick. I suppose it makes sense that a man so occupied with the passage of time is concerned with urinating as quickly as possible. He’s got to get back to taking 61 pills a day and eating 70 pounds of vegetables a month. Looking that spooky is a full-time job!
Johnson shared his goal on Instagram to increase the length and hardness of his nighttime erections from 2 hours and 12 minutes to 3 hours and 30 minutes, the latter of which is the average noctural erection time of an 18-year-old. Also, for full transparency, I’m just taking Johnson’s word for that. I don’t quite have it in me to Google “18-year-old nocturnal erections” on my work (or personal) laptop.
Johnson’s penile rejuvenation therapy also involves sending shockwaves into his genitals. Medical professionals explained to Rolling Stone that these electro shockwaves “rejuvenate” the penis, similar to how weightlifting causes small tears in bodily tissue that then cause the body to regenerate new tissue.
Is this more information than you want to know about a man who looks like the spiritual lovechild of the Morpheus and Legolas? I apologize. It’s more than I want to know, too. But unfortunately I am sadistically fascinated with this rich man who’s desperately trying to avoid the natural aging process by injecting himself with supplements and literally shocking his penis.
I suppose it makes sense that Johnson has refocused his youthful obsession onto his own genitals, as that seems to be at the center of a lot of men’s passions.
I love how there’s a dude out there hoping to improve his urination speed of all things. Where in the fuck is he in such a hurry to get to that he can’t take a piss break? Just sit down and have a piss, mate, it’s worth taking the time to relax a little.
Oh there are many many men out to improve their urination speed. The problem’s just not the penis. Prostate swelling will make you stand at the urinal forever while it just dribbles out. It’s a pretty standard old man problem.
Oh, I totally get that. Prostate swelling is not fun. The way this article is worded though, makes it seem a bit like he’s just doing it to save some time in his day-to-day high intensity workflow. I found that incredibly hilarious.
If he ever finds the answer I too want to be able to cut sheet metal with my wee wee!
You’d be able to rob banks just with your shlong.
“Put your hands where I can see them! This weapon is loaded! I’ve drank 4 l of apple juice this morning!”
I hear people say this but I can’t really get the old balloon quite completely empty itself seated. Gotta at least stand up for the wiggles
Seriously, this “millionaires using the blood of children to rejuvenate” sounds so evil and even demonic that it used to be a conspiracy theory.
Guess that “the only difference between a conspiracy theory and a fact is time” was right after all
Also the article says “swap” blood. Is he trying to prematurely age his son?
His poor son, family, and basically everyone he knows.
WTF, this dude is only 45? I understand wanting to have a healthy body as you age but there are cheaper and easier ways to achieve that. Seems like a waste time, money, and energy being that afraid of death.
He thinks he’s discovered a shortcut. Also, if it were to work, what are the implications of putting your old blood into the body of your 17 year old son? Creepy. If he’s so concerned, he should focus on diet, exercise, skin care, stress management, metabolic health management, and sleep. Creepy sociopath.
My first thought was, if you’re benefitting from your son’s blood, he’s paying some sort of consequence. I’m sure there’s some rationalizing happening like “his organs are young and will better flush the toxins” or some bullshit but I feel like something like Newton’s laws of motion would apply here. If you’re getting a benefit is it likely the kid is getting the opposite?
I wouldt risk it with my kids. Sounds sociopathic.
Yeah this guy sounds crazy! If he is having problems with all this stuff now i dont want to be around him when he gets actually old! To me he sounds like a complete narcissist and that means he is gonna have one hell of a narcissistic collapse when hes actually old. I feel bad for his family.
You know what, weird goals, but fuck it. Dude is experimenting on himself and isn’t hurting anyone right? Honestly a much better pursuit than swapping blood with your fuckin 17 year old. Best case scenario we get some interesting medical data out of it, maybe he’s onto something and he’s accidentally funding medical research that helps out older folks with urination issues.
God [pissing] speed brother.
I’d be so upset if this dude is the one that unlocks immortality, instead of some benevolent research group in a post-scarcity society.
