Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
Instead of looking for people to date, look for people to be in your DND campaign.
Or else join the 501st legion or something like that.
Main point is that you don’t focus on the dating stuff and instead focus on the social interactions.
Go to an in-person event for a thing that you like and see if you enjoy the company of anyone there. I’m not sure how you’ll find a relationship if you can’t make a friendship first, so I would just start with friends.
Going to an event focusing on something you already like means that you will enjoy it even if you don’t meet anyone interesting and you will also have at least one thing in common with everyone there.
Also, you don’t have to talk to someone on an app all the time. Move off of the app (text, calling, in-person, etc.) and set a certain window of time for socializing. I get that you might feel pressure to talk constantly, but just be honest - something like, “hey, I like talking to you but I have other things to get done now; we can chat more later” works fine as long as they’re emotionally mature.
i know how you feel.
i don’t really have any advice.
i stopped dating a little before covid, and never started again.
i feel lonely sometimes, but i have friends and a cat.
Perhaps it’s good to start with finding out why you dislike people so easily, or why spending time with other’s is so dissatisfying.
If you can, perhaps consider talking to a therapist about it. They understand how people work, and can help you figure out why you struggle with connecting.
As for orientation, things just work differently when you’re aroace. I’d say focus on the first part.
It’s not that I dislike them. It’s just that I’m not immediately in love with anyone. Otherwise, I have no affinity for them and socially it’s incredibly draining. People are getting a bit of a wrong idea. I don’t hate people at all. And I actually have the capacity to feel incredibly deep connections to others. It’s just that it takes a long ass time to get there and is usually done passively over the span of many months. I don’t see how any amount of therapy could possibly make me immediately fall in love with anyone.
Thinking you need to immediately fall in love with someone is an issue. That’s not a realistic expectation to put on yourself or them
Your ‘problem’ is thinking that you must fall in love in order to start a relationship. Falling in love might work in the beginnen, but makes it harder in to long run when it wears off. After that you need to invest time and effort to maintain the relationship.
I’m currently in an 8 year relationship with the woman of my dreams. I was happy not falling in love immediately, because love makes blind resulting in making wrong decisions (own experience). After a while I started to appreciate who she was and what she meant for me, then the feeling of love kicked in. This feeling goes up and down which it should, because being in love all the time is something you really don’t want.
Get out there and talk to people, be honest about your feelings and I’m sure you will find the correct person to share your life with and start a family. Love is nice, but not necessary. Good luck.
People rarely fall in love immediately. While love at first sight does happen, it‘s not the norm. Relationships build over time. You start with mutual interest, try to build a friendship and eventually it might click. If you bail before giving it a real chance, then of course, it’s unlikely you’ll build a deep connection with anyone.
This is good to hear, honestly. I felt like I am taking crazy pills a bit when so many people in these comments are saying there is something wrong with me for not being immediately really into someone I just met.
I think one of the difficulties I had is that…maybe a decade ago when I was a lot younger, I had someone who was interested in me. I wasn’t interested in them, but they were nice and so I thought I would maybe try it. We go on a date and it’s going fine but the guy wants to be able to kiss and stuff.
I get that boundaries are a thing and you can tell people no, but… I noticed at that point that most people are sexual. And most sexual people seem to be immediately interested in making out and having sex with someone. I get that not everyone is this way, but the majority of people are because they are driven by sex. So it’s all just a bit confusing and difficult to navigate as someone on the asexual spectrum.
I resonate with most of your post. I deleted and rewrote this 5 different ways because I simply just don’t post on the internet, but I’ve been coming around to the possibility that I’m gay with maybe some demi or ace on the side. As another more eloquent commenter said, I’m not saying that this is the case for you, but it just put things into perspective for me that I may have been unaware of a dimension of myself even in my mid-30s. Hope you have a lovely day.
Also, I like your saying about how everything changes, and to stick it out for the next inevitable change. I added it to my growing mantra list.
To be honest, I have thought now and then that “maybe I’m just gay”. But I still don’t seem to feel any of that stuff as strongly as sexual people do so idk.
I’ve never dated someone from the same sex, but I’ve been curious about it. These asexual dating sites are mostly filled with men, though, so it’s hard to find a woman both that I’m interested in and that ends up responding to me. My profiles put me as open to both men and women, but I’ve yet to find a woman that wants to mutually chat tbh.
Well good luck to us both! I have yet to find someone, but I hope we each find what we’re looking for