cross-posted from: https://radiation.party/post/98607
[ comments | sourced from HackerNews ]
There is very little research into men who have not had children, although that is beginning to change. Research by Dr Robin Hadley has found that 25% of men over 42 do not have children – 5% more than women of the same age group.
Half of the men who are not fathers but wanted to be describe a huge grief and isolation from society. Almost 40% have experienced depression and a quarter feel a deep anger.
I’m 47 and without kids, I was always indifferent to them and decided if I got with somebody who wanted one then it would happen, Once my sisters had kids I lost any remaining interest in the idea, I don’t think I would be a good dad as a result of my indifference. My Mrs is very much not interested in them either, Not a good environment for a kid to grow up in I feel. Sometimes people think it’s ok to ask why not, For me that question isn’t a problem but I can understand how it might be a massive problem for those who wanted them and for whatever reason didn’t get any.
I am slightly surprised by a quarter though, Had you asked me before I would have said a few percent tops…
My oldest best friend came up to me and said that he always saw that I liked kids and got on well with them but he never really got it. However, his wife wanted one so he went along with it, then the moment he held his daughter in his arms it all clicked. Given that he doesn’t talk much and says even less about his feelings this was very touching and it’s great for him but there are, presumably, other people who didn’t have that Damascene conversion and that would be a nightmare.
So, yes, I fully appreciate where you are coming from there.
I’m two minds about it - on one hand, I have the feeling of missing out on this whole thing; on the other hand, I do believe it’s very unwise to bring new kids into this world.
I get to babysit my friends’ kids sometimes tho, and maybe that’s the best of both worlds. Still get to engage with kids and have fun with them, but also don’t need to deal with worries, especially about their futures.
I’ve been wondering how realistic it would be for a single guy to adopt, or be a foster parent or something. But considering how stupidly difficult it can be for even well-adjusted, middle class couples to adopt, I’m quite sure it’s unrealistic. Never mind the suspicion and prejudice men face when it comes to caring for kids. I won’t even get into that…
I’ve been wondering how realistic it would be for a single guy to adopt, or be a foster parent or something. But considering how stupidly difficult it can be for even well-adjusted, middle class couples to adopt, I’m quite sure it’s unrealistic. Never mind the suspicion and prejudice men face when it comes to caring for kids.
Indeed. The maternal instinct is something that no-one questions but the desire to be a father is still a bit of a minefield.
The Guardian has had a few articles on the subject, like this one. This article is the one I remember reading a decade ago now and wondering about going it alone but I was realistic enough to realise that I’d really need a partner for such an endeavour. I’ve got to know myself better since and that increasingly looks like a wise decision. However, I am full of admiration for the guys choosing to go it alone.
It is a tough subject. There are many regrets over paths never taken, but this feels like a meta-regret as most roads felt like they led to children. I am.old enough now that I am resigned to it never happening and while I can shrug off minor regrets, this still hurts.
You could always go the route of that guy who fathered chess champions and put an ad in the paper.
On the one hand, I definitely have that underlying desire to propagate my genes, but on the other, I can barely look after myself right now. What hope do I have of looking after a child? Or their mother, who I assume would also be involved somehow.
Heck, I don’t even have pets because I’m concerned I’ll inadvertently forget or mistreat them.
Also, ADHD to the left of me, mental illness to the right, here I am, stuck with a bad combination of brain genes. I’m not sure I want to risk passing this on.
Right now, the kindest I can be to the next generation is not to allow it to happen.
As for other men who are probably less atypical than my situation, there are plenty of things that can be done to support the next generation even if they don’t get to make part of it.
Not every cell-line in an organism makes it to the final stage, but if they weren’t there in the first place, the organism wouldn’t make it to the final stage either. This analogy works for people (cells) in a society (the organism) too.
And last but not least: Men have a slight edge over women in that the ability to procreate doesn’t really go away. Sure, it’s not ideal for the kid if their father dies of old age before they’re fully grown, or can’t help out for some age-related reason, but similar things can happen with younger dads too.
This is the best summary I could come up with:
Research by Dr Robin Hadley has found that 25% of men over 42 do not have children – 5% more than women of the same age group.
Half of the men who are not fathers but wanted to be describe a huge grief and isolation from society.
But in real life, the Mick Jagger and Jon Snow-age fathers are actually very rare – and in any case, it’s medically not wise, as regards sperm quality.”
What compounded Nurden’s pain was that there was no public or private discussion about how men feel when circumstance leaves them unable to become fathers.
“I was mute too until recently, because as I aged, I found the regret grew into a great pain,” he added.
But, Goulden said: “I hope Robert’s book will trigger a change in public dialogue around this issue.
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