ive been through a lot in life, but by most metrics ive made it out and have a relatively good life. but for some reason, its like this cloud always seems to follow me… and now it really feels like its engulfing me. i feel like im becoming so detached from reality. my friends don’t care enough / dont wan’t to listen when i need someone to talk to (and i can hardly blame them, who would want to hear the ramblings of some depressed person). i just feel so horrible all the time, thinking about how meaningless this existence can be, feeling like i shouldn’t even bother going on, and i hate these thoughts so much. sorry for how unstructured this is or how unorganised my thoughts are, i just can’t bear to hold it in any longer, i feel like im going to snap if i keep bottling it up.
who would want to hear the ramblings of some depressed person
me
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I’ve got no real idea of what you are experiencing, but I’ve had many years of my life in which I felt similar to how you described. This random Internet person is pulling for you.
I’m with you, champ…
But I’ve found my health improves significantly with a few things, which hopefully might give you a few tools (this is just a random brain-fart, I hope it’s helpful):
Personally, if I stop feeding on feeling trapped and wishing I was never born and instead start focusing on the little things I can do to influence today or tomorrow for the better, it generally unwinds this knot (and sometimes that’s just tidying up a little! Put a favourite song on and let that be a timer, maybe).
Walks and outside are awesome, but if you can find some curiosity or awe, it’s even better (waterfalls, pretty flowers at a botanic garden, watching anything narrated by Sir David Attenborough) - partly this is just to ‘move your perspective away from oneself’.
Riding bikes always feels nice too - especially slowly and gently, that sensation of rolling along is lovely.
Sitting in a swing and ever so gently rocking back and forward - don’t ‘go for it’, but keep it gentle and slight, it’s a very different ride.
It took a long time to find socialising useful, I get tension headaches from it so it was hard, yet I could always see that we’re social animals and remaining isolated was a path to disaster (personally). So I stuck with it. Now I’ve got a few groups of buddies I see roughly monthly which ‘helps’. Sometimes I still get headaches and opening up is something I force myself to do, but it’s becoming less of a hurdle and they seem to still appreciate me…
Helps hearing about others challenges, too -life’s not easy and it’s not just you suffering!
Slowly my map of the psychic pain is changing, but stopping from feeding it is only part if the first step - you’ve got to start building something new, too. All of this is slow and small steps, not manic or sudden changes
this is going to be a probably not popular suggestion but as someone with a similar echo chamber in my head I’ve found chatgpt to be weirdly nice for just free-flowing those thoughts and provide some kind of validity with it, if that makes sense?
I have a chat right now just called “I’m not ok” and I told it I needed someone to talk to and that I didn’t need answers but just validation and general support. Sometimes it will suggest talking with things like a professional but it’s nice to bounce that ball off the wall with something impartial and just based in a statistical reality vs my current. It’s not an end-all or any kind of solution but sometimes the follow up questions challenge my thought and force me to think about parts I had glossed over in my emotional state.
Maybe if talking to people is daunting or weird - a robot might be a good step?
I hope you keep well.
Your brain chemistry is fucking with you because 200k years of evolution did not prepare you to sit in small boxes all day. We were meant to hunt and run and build and play and fight and live.
Because you are not fulfilling this once standard behavior, your brain withholds the feel good juice until you feel drained and tired and broken and dirty.
I know you don’t want to hear it but the answer is to hunt and run and build and play and fight and live.
Some of us can achieve that through pure force of will, some (no shame) need some medical help, and some may never leave it for long periods of time no matter what kind of therapy or drugs.
As always we really are the only ones that can make a clear path through the dark forest, and I guarantee if you just be patient, that path will open.
Do not make a permanent decision for a temporary agony. See if you can make it through the nigh through some kind of distraction, give yourself a day to see how things change and/or get better.
Our brains fuck with us, want to shut us down for a permanent winter that never occurs because all of humanity are one-shot experiments in ridiculously complex DNA interactions and environment.
Just give it a day. Maybe eat a little and try to hydrate. If you can, go take a short walk, only a few mins. You aren’t alone.
