I went from being a happy kid that smiled all the time, enjoyed drawing and had several friends to a pathetic adult with no talents, passion, creativity, friends or a job. Just a worthless and unlovable failure. And recently it’s gotten so bad that I’ve started cutting myself and contemplating suicide. I just don’t believe I have what it takes to get my life together, sadly.
I’m sorry that your pain is so great right now that you feel the only remedy is suicide or hurting yourself. We have a lot weighing on us as trans people, the world around us, our families not being accepting, dysphoria. We have a lot weighing on us as leftists, seeing just how bad the world really is. You have so many people that care about you. I’d miss you over on the /c/traa megathread if I didn’t see your posts! We’re all communists on here, we believe that someone’s productivity does not define how valuable they are. And you have ambitions, you said you had several friends, implying you don’t have them now. Being friends with people means you make them happy. You want to make people happy, and that’s an extremely worthwhile ambition.
CW: Suicide Attempt
I was in a spot like this earlier this year. Fed up with schizophrenia, joblessness, social isolation, I woke up after a night of heavy drinking and just decided I was going to do it. Downed a bunch of pills and 5 minutes later I regretted it, even before I could feel the pills. All the people I’d leave behind, people I care about. People I might care about in the future. The beautiful woman I will become. I’d lose all of that. I instantly made myself go vomit the pills, and tried calling 911 but learned that Alexa can’t do 911 calls. I seized out for a few hours, slept for a few days, then woke up feeling like death. I took myself to an urgent care and told them it was alcohol withdrawal so I wouldn’t get locked in a mental institution. This only worked because of the pills I took. They called an ambulance on me because I was doing that bad. The ER treated me as if I was in alcohol withdrawal (I probably was, but that issue was secondary) and that helped.
I went to the local outpatient that focuses on mental health and got on therapy and meds the next day. Best decision of my life. I’ve slowly started becoming the person I remembered being before becoming a depressed 10 year old. I still need to get on hormones for my own sake, but that feels like a real possibility now. And if you really don’t want meds, you can just get the therapy, although I’ll be honest getting on good meds helped me more. A lot of outpatients do sliding scale, so it can be cheap or even free. Not all will take you, but if you live near a city there will be one that also does just mental health.
I’ve started attending groups for alcoholism, but there are loner/depression groups you can also attend so that you can just hang out (on zoom) with people who are depressed and isolating just like you. You don’t have to be alone, there are people who will understand you. You can talk about how you’ve been so depressed you haven’t showered for almost a month (something I said in a group) and you don’t have people disgusted by you, you have people talking about how they force themselves to shower too. I don’t know what your depression looks like, but I just wanted to give you an example. My PMs are always open, if you have Matrix or Discord we can chat on there too!
You haven’t failed at life, this life has failed you. Remember that we live on a prison planet. Human life is worthless here and your only purpose is to generate profit for capitalists. It’s impossible to fail at life if your life was determined to be miserable from the moment you were born in a capitalist dystopia.
The only way out of this hellscape is a communist revolution. But while we’re waiting for that to happen (and doing whatever we can to bring it closer), you can take care of yourself and people around you. You can also join the based department
I was in a very similar place for most of the past year, and I’m not entirely out of it. Some of those feelings have gone away, but others have not. I didn’t get things back together by myself, it was the support of others that allowed me to start healing.
I hope things will get better for you, and this community (including me) is here for anything you need to keep going and start moving towards a better place. If you just want to talk, for someone to listen, people to play games with or whatever helps take your mind off things or helps you work through everything please reach out. That includes material assistance too.
