Polyamory. I knew a lot of people didn’t understand, but the visceral disgust at the idea that a lot of people have is surprising.
Is it really surprising? Monogamy has been essentially socially enforced for millenia at this point.
Monogamy has been essentially socially enforced for millenia
In some cultures only.
Well, granted my sample size is extremely small, but I’ve only ever known 2 polyamorous groups of people well enough to visit their home. And in both cases, there was always 1 person who wasn’t as happy as the other two and was tolerating the scenario due to pressure from the person they considered their ‘significant other’.
The dynamic was: A & B would be considered spouses to each other, A wants to bring in additional person C and create a trio under the banner of “polyamory” and B consents (because they are willing to accommodate anything A wants to make A happy). So person C enters the relationship and they form a polyamorous-trio, but instead of it being a true trio, it’s more like A & B still have their relationship (now burdened) and A & C have a relationship, but B & C don’t engage much. This is the exact scenario I have witnessed in the only 2 households I’ve ever known doing it.
That’s given me the impression that arrangements like that usually serve the needs of one or two people but often leave at least one party secretly unhappy. Maybe if more people actually witnessed polyamory working as it’s been proclaimed, there would be higher opinions of arrangements like that. But I sure haven’t seen it - my current conclusion is that it’s just not within the bounds of human nature for this kind of relationship to work.
A “V” is a perfectly legitimate arrangement. In fact, those who demands the two other sides of the V to have any kind of relationship, even mere friendship, are considered toxic. And living together is forcing the issue.
Would you consider it a perfectly legitimate arrangement if one end of the “V” resents it and is unhappy? Because that’s the only way I’ve ever seen a polyamorous arrangement working in practice (and as I said earlier, I’ve only seen two, and both were like that).
My wife has has a boyfriend for more than five years. I’m not attracted to him like she is, but nobody is unhappy in or about our arrangement. We met each other really young, and it stuck. But neither of us wants to have only one great romance in our lives. It really is what works for us.
But neither of us wants to have only one great romance in our lives
That is the most succinct, eloquent, and compelling statement in this entire thread.
Have you also had your own distinct romantic relationships with others since being married, or is that not something you are interested in?
So person C enters the relationship and they form a polyamorous-trio, but instead of it being a true trio, it’s more like A & B still have their relationship (now burdened) and A & C have a relationship, but B & C don’t engage much. This is the exact scenario I have witnessed in the only 2 households I’ve ever known doing it.
That is in fact common, but would also not result in “moving in” or “forming a polyamorous trio”. That’s exactly not the point, it’s just one person having two relationships and - hopefully - each of the partners is fine with not having 100% of their partner. Which many people actively enjoy mind you, not spending all the time sitting on top of one another.
In fact I would say that from all the poly couples I’ve know over the years, very few are trouples and want to move in together.
I think there’s a bit of thing where the less toxic the people, the more discreet they tend to be. I certainly wouldn’t let anyone who had only visited my house a handful of times know I’m poly. That’s only something people I would call friends would know. I also have pretty strong boundaries around not having secondary partners who aren’t specifically looking to be a secondary partner (usually because they already have a nesting partner themselves).
It’s also one of those things where most of the people I interact with IRL are all cool chill and reasonable people and then I go to nearly any online space and everyone is freaking insane with really toxic dynamics.
I think this point about being discreet is huge. My husband and have been open/poly for a decade (ie from the start). We don’t keep it a secret by any means, but most people I know have no idea — it just doesn’t come up in conversation very often.
We had a very bizarre situation recently where one of my closest friends saw my husband holding hands with his girlfriend at the beach. She texted me frantically, saying she just wants to support me and is here if I need her and she hoped she was doing the right thing by telling me. It was pretty trippy to tell this friend who is close enough to know super specific details about very private parts of my life “oh cool thanks but it’s chill.”
Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but it’s for a lot more people than you might think.
I think they can work, the problem tends to be people going into it not realizing that it’s more demanding than monogamy, one person feeling pressured into it especially when the relationship started as monogamous, and/or it being done as an attempt to “fix” a relationship that clearly isn’t working out, the latter of which happened with someone I know.
I’ve known quite a few people/groups that are poly and I dated someone who was poly for a while too. I did it because I didn’t feel like I had to deal with 100% of my partner because that would have crushed me.
My info is purely anecdotal but two super common threads that kept on appearing is there were people who were poly, but were never actually poly and just said it because their partner wanted to be so they said they were too and that the people who were super committed to poly all were trying to fill a gap in their lives and had a lot of insecurities in general.
Most hated the idea of ever being alone, not just in ‘a relationship’ but actually just being by themselves.
I’ve been in poly relationships most of my adult life, around 15 years now. I’m certainly familiar with the type of relationship you describe, but the long term, stable poly relationships are the ones that have been poly from the get go.
I don’t tend to date people who are “opening things up” in a previously monogamous relationship, because being someone’s learning experience is a bummer.
Here I am surprised that a person is surprised that non-preferred sexual acts would trigger visceral disgust.
I mean, sex is actively disgusting unless your partner just happens to have the right combination of signals to transform it into something non-disgusting.
The wonder is that any sex ever is seen as non-disgusting.
Polyamory is not group sex.
Actually, if you don’t take care of yourself in polyamorous relationships, you might have less sex than in monoamorous relationships.
Also, no, consensual sex is not disgusting. You might not want it, but then sex is not consensual. Bodies are not inherently disgusting.
ehhh bodies are pretty gross. teeth in places mashin up stuff, grimy bacteria in all the folds and crevasses, stinky sweaty fluids and excretions, there’s tons of stuff in the human body that is either conceptually quite horrifying or that we are downright neurologically programmed to be disgusted by. the eroticism of it all really just allows us to look past the disgust and see desire, joy, pleasure. that’s the subjective element.
that dude was dumb for thinking polyamory is a sex act though lol
I just don’t get it. Having a relationship with one person is hard work (anyone that says otherwise is either very lucky or their partner is making all the effort). Why on earth would you want to make your life even more difficult?
Tbh, my wife and I have been together for so long and through so much that is has become easy. We’ve been together more than fifteen years, and both of us consider our childhoods of abuse to be the hardest periods of our lives. We know and trust each other deeply and implicitly. She’s had an increasingly serious second partner for more than five years now, and it’s become pretty easy. I’m casually looking for a boyfriend, and she’s excited for me. It’s the foundational strength of our relationship that makes this lifestyle possible. We’ve built a big, full life together, and we have enough love and space in our lives to share <3
For some of us at some times in our lives, having a relationship with two people is less work. It requires much more communication, better scheduling, and much more attention to your partners’ feelings … but that might be a good investment of time anyhow, and often gets overlooked.
I find that having multiple partners helps me appreciate each partner much more, for themselves – it’s easy to mix up how much you love just having a partner and being loved, with how you actually feel about that person. Poly gives you the distance and contrast to see your partners clearly, and that can be really special.
I’ve never been polyamorous but I have been a player before and a period during which I had lots and lots of casual sex with lots of different women actually gave me a better appreciation of women as individuals.
There’s something about not having one person be your everything that allows them to be a real person instead of a symbol.
Yeah that’s indeed something. I had a sex partner on top of my romantic partner for a few years, and that worked okay - since you only meet for shagging - but wow would two romantic partners be too much for me. Still, I was perfectly fine with my romantic partner also having another partner in addition to me. They could handle it fine!
This is so strange to me. Not the polyamory, the weird hate of it. I’m in a monogamous relationship and polyamory just doesn’t appeal to me. But I don’t really give a shit about what other people do or who they fuck as long as it’s consentual.
I’ve not met many poly groups but my experience was strained. First time meeting these people and the only thing they spoke about was them being poly and how much sex they were having. It was a bit odd for a first meeting with strangers. Not usual dinner conversation I felt.
Yeah, the polycules I’ve met have all been hot messes that caused a lot of pain for everyone involved (and adjacent). At least a few have this attitude of “Monogamous people are prudes and need to open up, polyamory is HoW hUmAnS sHoUlD lIvE”. Maybe it’s just bad luck, but as a result I generally keep a bit more distance with my poly friends.
I’ve been in poly relationships for years. They work really well for me and my significant others, but we are pretty discreet about it because folks tend to be huge assholes about it.
Generally, you don’t see the poly relationships that work great; mostly, people see the type of scenario one of your other commenters described because the stable relationships are less visible.
Non white people,sadly.
Streaming videos on my phone using speaker for audio while at the restaurant eating lunch. I figured for sure, everyone would want to get in on that awesome stand-up comedy action or zany talk show that I enjoy with my meal. It turns out that (gasp!) some people even think it’s rude…LOL.
To those people who say you can’t express sarcasm over text.
Fucking really? Can you not see it here either?
Are you telling me that people do like it when play videos out loud during my lunch?
No, I hate that. Standup comedy is so overrated, what I want to hear is your phone call!
There’s a segment on a podcast I listen to that is all about conversations without context, and half of phone conversations are a common feature.
The hosts will mention some they’ve encountered over the week since their last recording, and people will call in to share the ones they hear. Always a good chuckle.
I’d rather a hundred of those than some kid with mommy’s iPhone watching brainrotting Youtube Kids videos all day with the sound on. At least then I won’t feel bad for the kid.
JFC. Sometimes people visit us with kids and it’s just arrive > open youtube > commence rot > spice it up 9yo twerking.
My partner is pregnant with our first child. I get the convenience of free child distraction, I also get that I might find myself doing exactly this in several years, but honestly I really hope I can find ways to at least minimise this. It just seems so Orwellian or… wall-e-ian.
I swear my kids are probably going to hate me because I’ll be the most boring dad around that forces kids to play outside instead of doing all the fun stuff.
I’m sure they only do this while “mummy is visiting” and it doesn’t happen at home.
Was at dinner with my partner’s family. His sister acquiesced to his niece when she demanded her phone 5 seconds after finishing her meal, and said nothing while the girl sat there watching loud videos. Nothing about ‘hey we’re in a restaurant’ or anything about being polite and making conversation. She’s 13. Has no concept of boredom or how to act around adults. Because there’s zero requirement to.
I think it’s fine in moderation and when it’s some manually curated service like the children’s section of streaming platforms (but even then it’s not perfect considering Cocomelon exists), or in the case of YouTube you’re watching it WITH your kid to avoid running into anything weird (though I think any platform meant for content aimed towards children should be 100% manually curated). The problem is when it’s excessive or it winds up sending your five year old down a bizarre rabbithole of pregnant Spiderman twerking videos because you didn’t bother to moderate what they were watching.
You got some good answers but remember too, you’re only seeing a fragment of those kids at your place. The screen might for example be a special rare reward for them to keep them quite so your friends can visit you… doesn’t mean they’re on scree s all the time.
My kids aren’t particularly screen born most of the time, but when we’re out I often relax the rules to keep things smooth. The fact that it’s a rare treat makes it even more effective
Large Language Models (such as GPT) and AI image generators.
I follow certain AI related post tags on Tumblr and sometimes I see people expressing pure hatred towards these tools, as they only see the AIs as content thieves.
they only see the AIs as content thieves.
AI is a method of content theft, it takes other people’s work and pieces it together in a way that resembles other works, without any actual coherency.
I don’t like that it churns out slop that displaces actual content.
I also don’t like the way it’s sped up enshitification of google and news sites. I didn’t think it could get worse than pages of listicles written by disinterested journalists paid fuckall to churn out 10 a day, but now you have chatGPT churning out 100 completely useless articles a day.
The Last Jedi.
I left the theater on opening night thrilled with what I saw. I couldn’t wait to go online and read all the positive reactions and theories for the next one… Whelp.
