This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
Legit LOLed at this bit:
“I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off,” fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said.
“According to the foundation’s website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.”
Fucking lol
the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese
Fantastic
I dunno, i am very partial to this one
https://theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997/
For more evidence of our time-honored journalistic commitment to endangering lives, please see our previous coverage of gay people, immigrants, Black people, and women.
I said one of the best, not the best. There are other terrific ones too like https://theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529/
My personal all time favorite is this one: https://theonion.com/general-motors-introduces-new-instant-win-airbags-1819564102/
https://theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036/
That one, for me, although I also note that 5 blade razors are now a thing…
But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, fuck it. We’re going to five blades.
The only two I can read are Ted’s and Steve’s (and Joe’s first name?), but the only one I know is Ted. Who are the others?
I believe that the first one is (fictional) The Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel, the second one is hockey hall-of-famer Joe Sakic (who wore jersey number 19), and the 5th one looks like Mary Kay Letourneau (who infamously got pregnant with her 12-year-old student). Number 4, I can’t make out.
Also, anyone notice that this took place in Roanoke, VA? Where they’re especially known for gorilla attacks?
General Electric used to have a big factory in Roanoke, so I’m guessing the gorillas are a result of industrial pollution from some sort of superfund site that has yet to be cleaned up.
