Met a 22 yo in a group I am involved in, she asked if I wanted a lift to a meeting, there and back. I don’t know her very well but she’s young a lot younger than me by 10years.
So talking on the way back she mentions antidepressants, I too take anti depressants, the conversation moves towards SSRIs and sex. I panic because that shit makes me supper uncomfortable, she said some stuff that was a blatant hint. Anyway me and her have activity later in the week for the group we’re in, she’s invited me out for a drink after and being friendly and uncomfortable I said yea sure.
How best to proceed? I don’t want things to be weird and our group get weird as a result. I wish I could set boundaries.
Worth mentioning I have crazy anxiety so don’t judge too hard I mostly run on auto pilot in those situations.
Crazy similar situation for me. Out of curiousity, what country, and work or home life? (if you feel comfortable answering)
Be honest with her and expose things clearly, tactfully, and not bluntly. Tell her that you find her amazing but that that the only thing you can offer right now is friendship.
As for the age: (n/2)+7 is a suggestion, not a law. Take things on a case to case basis and a day at a time. I’m gonna turn 40 in march and would need a great amount of rapport with someone younger than 30 or older than 45 to be interested and have the energy to make it work on a long term.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like she’s a straight forward and direct person, which is good. Just be straight forward and direct (but tactful) with her. Something like, “I’m sorry, I think I misunderstood the situation. I’d like to hang out as friends, but I’m not looking for anything more.” Optionally, “We can have that drink if it’s just as friends, but I’m not going to lead you on if you want something more.”
First: as someone with a strong evangelical Christian background, I can sympathize with discussions about sex–and specifically about your sex life–being deeply uncomfortable. Unfortunately, that’s something that you’re going to have to discuss with any potential romantic partner, and sooner rather than later. (Because let me tell you, significant differences in sex drive and desire will tank every and any relationship).
Second: Drinks are not necessarily a commitment to anything more. I would prefer coffee (or tea) as a first date since it’s even lower pressure, but many people prefer alcohol because it’s a social lubricant. Your call there. My suggestion would be to start by getting to know the person. I’m autistic (seriously), and IMO the most honest approach is to be direct, despite how hard it is when you want to please people. Yes, being a people pleaser means that you’re going to want to tell her what you think she wants to hear, rather than what you really feel, and that will bite you in the ass, repeatedly. And yeah, anxiety and things like rejection sensitive dysphoria are going to make that exceptionally hard.
Third: you said that she was a ride to a meeting; can you elaborate on what kind of meeting? I’m asking because if this is someone that you’re going to have to see in a professional setting, you do need to proceed very carefully. Workplace relationships–or relationship rejections–can be very fraught.
Last: I’m not as immediately opposed to age gaps in relationships as some people. I do generally think that the (n/2)+7 rule is a decent rule of thumb, but it’s not an absolute. The reason that rule generally exists, IMO, is that people in different generations have different cultural markers, things that were significant in the formation of their personality and worldview, and large differences there can make relationships more challenging. E.g., if you remember 11 September '01 and the political fallout, while she grew up fully immersed in the prevailing political climate, then it might be hard to see eye to eye on some things. There can also be imbalances of maturity and power that can result from larger age differences, e.g., you might be much more set both professionally and financially, which could make the relationship less equal. So it’s something to be aware of and careful about.
For me I grew up in a hyper sexualized house hold and Catholic too but I now have unhealthy ideas around sex, mostly embarrassment. So when its brought up by someone I have little connection to I go into an almost shut down mode. With sexual partners I have had little to no issue but it does make dating very difficult. I am with her tomorrow and will make it clear that I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship.
I’m not going to tell you how to live your life–I can barely live my own–but is there a specific reason that you aren’t interested, other than the fact that she’s more comfortable with the idea of sex than you are?
The reason for my disinterest wasn’t her being comfortable with sex, that was just the reason I responded in the affirmative when asked out. She’s too young, she’s in my political party, also I am in therapy figuring myself out and wouldn’t be right to pull someone else through this.
It sounds like you two share some traits, so it seems like being honest about your feelings might be somewhat low risk. If you both have depression and some form or anxiety, she might be having similar feelings. It could be that, while you go along as a coping mechanism, she blurts out what she’s thinking to the same end.
In the end, if you value your relationship with her, honestly is always the best policy.
