Skip all my classes for a semester and play TES: Oblivion instead. When I failed to graduate on time she was like “our life paths don’t line up” and was outta there.
I was going through some shit, and in retrospect, it may have been the shit I was going through and not the wasted semester, which was just a symptom, that was the problem. I continued that downward spiral until I spent a stint homeless.
Oh, that was over a decade ago. With a lot of help, a lot of hard work, and a lot of luck I crawled out of the hole I’d dug.
Hands down, ignoring my depression for so many years. Cost me countless friends and relationships.
The shame people at least used to put in getting any kind of help for mental health made me try to overcome it all on my own, and for most of my life I’ve probably made things worse for a lot of people and don’t fault them one bit for not wanting to be around me.
Getting help, for me at least, was very easy, cheap, and straightforward, and I almost immediately did a 180 in most every aspect of my life. I hardly recognize how old me used to live now, but I also have the guilt of all I did while I was untreated.
You can’t entirely blame someone who was unwell for not handling things as best as they could. You did what you needed to, you get the help you needed, and now you can do better. That alone is more than so many people can do, just because depression is a sneaky, underhanded, evil monster!
I hope that you can find a line to walk between taking responsibility for your actions, and giving yourself grace for what you were going through.
I accept what is done, and I use those things as learning experiences now. I wish I could forget some of it, but now that I can understand what I’ve done in the past, it makes the lessons really stick now.
I don’t know if I’d consider myself “happy” at the current period of time I’m in, because meds or therapy aren’t cures, they just let you process stuff in a more productive way. I’m fighting with my job about a bunch of issues I see as them not looking out for my safety, and there’s always family drama and I don’t have much in common with my own or my girlfriend’s family. I’m just able to process all that without flying off the handle or totally walling myself off from everyone and all that fun unhealthy stuff. I’m at least able to appreciate the good things that do still happen though, which I couldn’t before.
Talking about it and trying to destigmatize it is part of the responsibility I feel, because while I can’t undo any of what I did, I can at least try to help other people to help themselves so they can avoid walking down the same path as I did for so long. It helps them, and all the people that those people run into in life.
I always tell folks that not being miserable, when you’ve had depression for so long, is such a step up that “happy” didn’t even matter to me for years.
You seem like you’re being so smart! I’m really impressed!
For a few years after college I swear I was in some sort of depression. I barely remember anything from those years and my friend from then tells me about stuff I did that I have zero recollection of.
For the life of me I could just not remember her name. Used all the tricks I knew for remembering names but none of them worked.
Not speaking up for my wants and needs. Being a “soldier” and sucking everything up just creates resentment and gives the other person the mistaken assumption that you are ok with everything. It is ok to say “I don’t agree” or “I don’t like this” as long as you do it respectfully.
I let them discover I’m actually a trio of squirrels inside a speedo, manipulating a mannequin using string.
Never again
