Lauren Boebert Offers To Personally Jerk Off Any Constituents She Offended

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

That is an amazing ending.

“This isn’t trashy enough to be a story about her.”

gets to end

“There we go.”

For real. That did it for me 😂

Finishing on her tits costs extra

I don’t think ass-to-mouth is on the menu, unfortunately.

I didn’t even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article

The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.

They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol

“you ate the onion,” in the parlance of our times.

Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol

(To be clear I’m not horny for her. I shop at a different market)

I would accept the offer at least to see if she’d follow through. At the end of the day, who’s hand is doing the job doesn’t really matter if you can look at whatever you want.

Man I hate to even joke about this but

I’m offended

She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions…

You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?

If you’ve ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you’d realize your theory is close than you think. But I’d go 5, not 6…

FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.

Obligatory Flight of the Conchords:

Yeah

Looking 'round the room I can tell that you Are the most beautiful girl in the room In the whole wide room (ooh)

And when you’re on the street Depending on the street I bet you are definitely in the top three

Yea, you know, attainable.

This is exactly what it is. She’s right at that inflection point of approachability.

She’s not your mom. Go for it.

She’s a grandmother, but she’s not your grandmother.

That’s poop knife and broken arms. I’m cumbox and double dick dude away from bingo.

I’m just upset I don’t live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.

The offer was for a handjob, actually.

Meh, well I’ll take what I can get.

Is this where the line starts?

For coke and Bojobs!

You’d probably be the first person to get chlamydia from a hand job

Nah she jerked off tons of dudes.

I would be the 300th dude she gave chlamydia

That’s why she’s going to wear gloves, to protect you not her.

Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?

Sorry for the potato quality but I think we’ve all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway

The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around

Did anybody ever finalize the math on this like Futuramas body swap formula?

Only if you can get optimum tip-to-tip efficiency.

But do different girths affect one’s ability to jerk dicks?

Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her

Gotta go middle-out. Or line them up tip to tip.

Just make sure each complementary pair has the same dick to floor distance

Professor Gerkh M. Hoff

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