Elon, aka Office of Personnel Management, aka S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D.:
We encourage you to find a job in the private sector as soon as you would like to do so. The way to greater American prosperity is encouraging people to move from lower productivity jobs in the public sector to higher productivity jobs in the private sector.
Damn dude, this is so awesome, I’ve literally never been tied to this fuck through even consumption and now I have him pulling on my chains, at the best possible time
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
This is brilliant. I gotta say I was expecting a recurring joke where they keep mentioning how much Bitcoin was stolen and every time the amount fluctuates wildly
Damn, that’s really funny. Maybe the original copypasta needs a sequel. BTC was worth like tenbux when this was originally written.
Might suggest the idea to a writer friend if you don’t object.
Sorry comrade, that’s so fucking shitty…
I have a friend who is also getting these types of emails on blast and her department isn’t being very forthcoming about what the realistic expectations should be going forward.
So much uncertainty and fear across pretty much the entirety of the public sector right now… it’s really unsettling.
quick question what has military ever produced? negative productivity leeches, just consuming and consuming
What’s up with conflating all government workers as intelligence operatives and military personnel?
They’re integral to the operation of private enterprise. It may be a sub conscious understanding, but they are very well aware that the “value” produced in the private sector is entirely enabled by the military, so they inherently give it a pass. Plus all the propaganda that makes people feel good and not terrified when an F-16 screams overhead in your city.
We need to start framing the military as an inefficient and wasteful cost the same way they frame healthcare.
“What if the government abuses their free use of the military and they don’t really need it?”
“We don’t want to give the Pentagon handouts, they’ll become dependent and won’t have an incentive to work!”
“They’re just taking they money and using it to buy drugs and alcohol!”
“Year over year there’s no profit, they’re always in the red! Spending all this time on indoctrination that they call “training”, how hard can it be, just aim and pull the trigger!”
It’s already framed that way with 50000 toilets and whatever the fuck, just nobody has the balls of trump and opportunity to say it in debate
Send him PPB
god bless elon musk on his task of destroying the US
