I was literally told constantly growing up that finding something relatable and sharing is part of normal conversation, but then people would be offended if I did and tell me I’m “too quiet” if I didn’t. Like wtf do yall want, WHAT DO I DO, GAAAHHHH . . .
. . . fuck it, I’ll just talk about trains the whole time
Bees are also an excellent topic. Did you know there are bees that are nocturnal? Or that some use feces (not their own) to deter predation of their hive?
Opossum facts are a fun filter.
You can slowly get more and more gross, those who step away are weak and undeserving of your companionship.
You can’t just say that and not supply us with at least one gross opossum fact…
I think the key when trying to relate to someone is brevity. You want to signal “I understand what you’re saying because something similar happened to me” not “shut up, we’re talking about me now”. The former is more difficult to do the more words you use. At the very least you have to stop talking long enough to let the other person continue their story if they want to.
WHAT DO I DO, GAAAHHHH . . .
- That sucks.
- That’s crazy!
Select one as appropriate.
Here’s what you do, whatever you feel is right in the moment. Will some people hate it? Yes. Will some people love it? Yes.
You can’t please everyone and you wind up disappointing yourself.
One of my best friends, we interrupt each other’s stories all the time and that’s just the natural flow. Never snapped at her or vice versa or anything.
I have other friends that REALLY can’t handle that. So I gotta like, dial it back with those people specifically.
I will say that one thing you should try to keep in mind is that before you perhaps chime in is remember where you branched from and bringing it back to that.
As someone on the spectrum the way I’ve learned to deal with this is basically: A) first reacting empathically (“Oh god that sounds horrible”, “Are you alright?” etc.) B) then bringing up relating things, but trying to always turn the topic back in the end so they can continue about their thing (“Yeah I once hurt my ankle, that wasn’t fun. Your arm must hurt so much”) C) trying to downplay the relating story a bit if possible is usually good, to make sure you’re signaling that you’re not trying to steal the spotlight (“It was hard enough just hopping around for months, I can only imagine how difficult it’s to do stuff with only one arm”) D) if nothing else seems to work, people tend to like being asked questions about them and the thing (“What did the doctor say?”, “How long do you think it’ll take to heal?”)
I’ve absolutely never understood the idea that this is one-upmanship or trying to make the conversation about yourself. It’s a very solipsistic take - we are social creatures.
I use Arch btw.
I have this one friend who is an immensely kind person but she’s just horrible at this. She tries to relate with a relevant story but it always comes off as her just trying to shift the story to herself. If she wasn’t such a sweetheart I’d think it was intentional but I think she’s just bad at this one particular conversational aspect. Is a little cute seeing her try so earnestly and fail so spectacularly, not gonna lie
I mean there are people who do that and it’s usually very obvious they are doing it, not just relating to you. It’s a completely normal and acceptable way to have a conversation and I’ve never understood the people who say otherwise like what do you even talk about if you can’t even reference your own life? I think those people are probably just those “I don’t do small talk” people
I don’t have a problem when they bring it up either. It’s when they dismiss my story to highlight theirs.
“Oh, you were in a car accident? That’s NOTHING. I was in a REAL car accident where I nearly died.”
“Your parents divorced? That’s not even a real divorce. They just separated. My dad died. From the car accident.”
“Oh, your house was on fire? You call that a fire? PATHETIC. My house was on fire after my mom drove her car into it, setting off a gas explosion, killing my father.”
I think sometimes people say things that come across that way in order to offer potentially helpful advice, not to one-up you. For example, if you had a minor house fire recently but my house had burned completely down at some point then I might tell you my story as both a way to let you know that I understand how difficult your situation is and offer assistance with what comes next. Dealing with insurance and replacing your stuff can be an overwhelming proposition. If I don’t communicate the desire to help you particularly well then you may think I’m just trying to say that I had it worse when really I’m wanting to help you but am simply too awkward to do it effectively.
Obviously some people are trying to shift the focus off you and on to them but I think you should be able to tell someone’s intentions with a quick follow up question to whatever they say. Something aimed at determining whether they want to help you or just talk more about them.
I read a post about different communication styles, and this is “builder vs maintainer”. https://www.haileymagee.com/blog/three-communication-differences
A builder will try to add to the conversation by adding their own experiences. A maintainer will not add their own, but will focus on the other person’s.
A builder talking about something may feel like a maintainer isn’t that interested because they’re not adding anything.
A maintainer talking to a builder may feel annoyed because the builder keeps talking about themselves.
And I just think these grossly oversimplified textbook explanations for people are abject garbage.
Can you switch between the types during a conversation? I don’t have time to read that at the moment, but i will later. Sounds interesting.
I like that framing. I’ve noticed I’m a builder, although talking about myself is just most accessable strategy. In academics, at least, it’s allowed me to instead pivot from myself to a theory or observation or something so building isn’t quite as self centered.
In a sense that’s what you’re doing by providing that post, too. Best of both worlds to add to a conversation without diminishing the original. Master conversationalists can usually do that back to back to back, keeping a conversation going.
Where can I find an entire country of people like this? Autist’s Paradise, right there.
Support groups and group therapy. Identifying with someone else’s experiences through your own relatable experiences is a reaffirming connection.
It’s helped me a lot navigating the Autistic tendency to get lost in the mechanics of the story. Now I try to end my contribution with reconnection to the original experience, emphasizing the validation, and returning control of the conversation.
Now I try to end my contribution with reconnection to the original experience, emphasizing the validation, and returning control of the conversation.
This is something I’ve only just figured out how to do! I still need a lot of practice with it, my handoff is awkward and stilted and doesn’t always work, but I’m a little proud that I can still learn new coping mechanisms and strategies even at this comparatively later stage of my life.
When did you learn this particular skill? Did you have guidance from someone close to you, or did you figure it out on your own?
Group therapy. It’s very intimidating to start, since you’re joining a group of people that already know the ropes. It took a while for me to join in and share, but it didn’t matter. I personally learned far more from observation than sharing my personal experiences. I’m in my 40s, if that helps.
