Hi folks, I thought I’d create some content and share some experience and learning around any concerns I had about being childfree in my first 10 years after my tubal. I hope this can help those that are at this stage now.
I will say that 35 years after my tubal, I realized in retrospect, somewhere during that time, that I knew in my teens I didn’t want kids. I did go through a period, soon after my tubal at 24, of about 10 years where a lot of my friends tried to pressure me into either spending a ton of time with their kids or even adopt, where I wondered if I really wanted kids cuz I liked babies under 6 months of age. It wasn’t until I got close to someone and her newborn, where I spent plenty of time with her kid over the next 3 years and she was TOTALLY accepting of my decision and NEVER pushed an agenda. I finally realized I truly lost interest in the kid after about 6 months of age and knew I wasn’t interested, not because I was pushing back against acquaintances who were pushing their own agenda in opposition to mine, but because I JUST LOST INTEREST. It took a good, secure in their parenthood, friend to let me understand there was zero interest on my part.
As it turns out what I like about babies was the oxytocin hit from carrying them around, which I learned I could get from cats and small dogs, of which I have 2 now, and they stay small forever instead of just 6 months!
Thanks for sharing your story! In the spirit of creating content, I have a similarly opposite story.
I was raised Mormon, for those that don’t know, having a large family is a given. In my early 20’s I left all religion behind and began to create a life I wanted rather than one expected. I was a mess trying to establish my own morals, values, and goals.
At the same time of all this, I started dating a girl who had left Mormonism many years earlier. She was also childfree. Living with her, she provided the best environment for me to discover the life I wanted. She was my rock when I had no one else, literally. She was patient, understanding, and provided a much needed perspective from having a similar history. We dated for several years as I slowly deprogrammed and came into my own.
Coming back to the point of all this- a big struggle was trying to figure out whether I wanted kids, I was programmed to want kids, or didn’t want kids at all. This is a life changing decision after all. In the end, I realized I wanted kids because I wanted kids. The girl I was dating was supportive but with our incompatible lifestyles, we parted ways and remain good friends.
As for today, I married someone else (who also escaped Mormonism!) and have 3 kids. Because of the support I had, I now have the confidence to trust in myself and a healthy foundation to further understand myself as life changes.
I have a similar story with Mormonism except mine diverges. At age 28 I got a vasectomy. Years later, I have never been married and still don’t have kids and am happily childfree, programming defeated, woohoo!
Side note, and just to be clear this is not an attack: you have 3 kids but are in a childfree community. Why?
Congratulations on getting out!! Life is so much more vibrant living on your own terms :)
Man, my comment is 10 months old, I bet I stumbled in here from All. I prefer using All and blocking communities I’m not interested in instead of using Home where I only see what I’m subscribed to. Staying in Home doesn’t let me see interesting posts like this one!
I have family and friends with kids. I would never go through that anguish day by day. I love peace of mind and naps, and will probably save millions. It is selfish to create wage slaves for rich capitalist
A childless person saying “I can get the same hit from cats and small dogs” is like a cis man saying “I can get the same experience as childbirth by performing a large bowel movement”.
But most men never want to experience childbirth, and that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just like there’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But pets absolutely cannot replicate actual children, just like a bowel movement can never replicate the experience of childbirth.
The original poster was talking about their own experience, not anyone else’s.
Okay and my great uncle Fred took a dump that he insists was as difficult to pass as a human child. Since he’s talking about his experiences, not anyone else’s, he must be right, right? By your logic my uncle Fred genuinely knows what childbirth feels like, correct?
Or does the fact that he has never experienced childbirth exclude him from making such comparisons?
OP is saying that in their experience, holding a baby gives them the same hit of oxytocin as holding a cat or dog. OP has experienced holding both babies and cats and dogs. OP is talking about experiences that they have had. Your uncles was talking about taking a shit, an experience that he had, and giving birth, an experience that he has not had. That is the difference. OP is allowed to talk about their experiences. They’re not talking about other people’s experiences with children or claiming that their individual experiences are universal.
Agreed. OP can just say, “Having kids isn’t for me.” And that’s cool, we accept that. It sounds a bit like trying to justify the choice to themselves or at the very least help other be ok with the decision to not have kids. The pet analogy is over simplified. One thing I will say is that having kids of your own vs being around someone else’s is very different. Being there through the grow and maturity into a functional human is the reward and frankyly it goes super fast. It felt like.yeaterday I was holding my kids as newborns and now they are in high school. The journey is the experience .To each their own on their choices.
Excuse me sir or ma’am, you are in the childfree community about being childfree. If you would like to participate in parenting conversations or discuss how great kids are, I’m sure there are places dedicated to that, but this is not it.
Friend, this is a forum website designed for discussion and interaction. If you want an echo chamber, I’m sure there are places dedicated to that, but this is not it.
Start your own private instance, only allow specific people in, close that shit up tight if you want.
This is not that place.
Exactly, a child becomes an intelligent, mature adult. A person. A real person walking around, feeling things, talking to people, sharing knowledge and ideas and experiences. No part of pet ownership can emulate that.
Haha, especially the mature and intelligent is at least worth a discussion…
I’m glad you met someone who was supportive of your life choices. I do the same for anyone who is on the fence. It’s an extremely personal choice and no one should be lauded or derided for either decision.
I have kids. Love ‘‘em to death. But, damn, not everyone needs to be a parent. My wife and I would’ve been fine not having kids. It just turned out to be something we both wanted.
It’s a shame that other parents try and pressure others into a life changing decision. Be you and be happy!
