My father, who convinced me (16 m) at the time to move in with him instead of my mother when they moved. All 3 of the other siblings stayed with my mother. He then kicked me out the week I turned 18, a week into my senior year. Since then he stays in touch only to speak with his grandchildren (now going on 4 kids). I have never been anything but opportunistic and positive in our interactions. Regardless he still acts like I am a burden to talk too. Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it. I’m the complete opposite with my own children and can’t comprehend how someone could treat their child like this. How do I cope? It eats at me. I will answer any questions in depth if it will help in understanding the situation.
I’m just gonna drop a link to Captain Awkward’s “families” tag here, there’s like a 99% chance she’s answered a question similar enough to yours to be helpful.
It sounds like your situation is similar to mine. My father is a sociopathic narcissist and I didn’t realize it until I was 30 when he effectively disowned me. It hurts to be rejected by a parent to such a degree and I was pretty depressed for a while, but it helps to know that he suffers from a mental illness. Knowing this also helped me to disown him, in turn. He was always toxic and harmful and I find now that I am happier without him in my life.
I do often wonder in what ways my life may have been better had I had a supportive father, but it’s much more productive to look forward than to lament over what could have been.
I hope that you are able to move past your father’s negative influence and be better off for it. Some men are just miserable people.
Never understood people’s need for acceptance from their parents. Them liking you has no more meaning than anyone else. So unless literally everyone hates you, I’d say you’re doing just fine.
There are already a lot of good answers/opinions/experiences/etc. here and I don’t want to rehash all of that, but I will mention this:
If you’ve heard the expression, “blood is thicker than water,” you should know that the original unedited expression was actually, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Basically meaning that the friendships (covenants) you make in life are stronger bonds than the family you just happened to be born into.
You can’t choose your biological family, but you can choose your friends and (non-bio) family. Don’t let people drag you down just because they’re related to you. Cut the dead weight out of your life, regardless of relation, and live your best life. If your dad doesn’t care about you, then why should you exhaust any energy caring about him? He hasn’t earned your attention, nor the attention of his grandkids.
My wife came from a poor trailer trash family and felt obligated, as the only person who made something of herself, to attempt to support her grandparents (who raised her), mother, and 3 siblings. But it only led to greed, gluttony, and dishonesty. Eventually, she had to cut ties with most of them because they started to feel entitled in sharing her “wealth.”
We had to draw the line when one of her pregnant sisters was about to have her baby taken away by the state. (I believe it was her 4th one the state had taken from her at this point; she had been deemed an unfit parent, but kept pumping out kids regardless.) My wife’s family tried to guilt us into adopting the kid, just to keep him in the family. She finally put her foot down. Taking in illegitimate children from her family was just trapping her with the burden of her siblings (who were already trying to pawn off their kids to their grandmother). My wife cut ties and now only speaks to her siblings (and mother) if they call. But she makes zero effort to stay in touch otherwise, and she won’t give them anything except functional Christmas gifts - the one time of year she indirectly contacts them.
My wife had deep-seated anxiety for years, worrying about supporting her deadbeat family. Now she’s low-contact and made a rule not to support them financially. She’s living stress-free now and is in a much better place for it. Their lives are their own and she refuses to feel responsible for the horrible choices they’ve made.
My mom kicked me out when I was 18 and I was homeless for 2 weeks. She took me back in when uni started.
This is one of the reasons I don’t speak to hear anymore. At all.
This year, she sent me texts demanding to see me on my birthday. I did not speak to her. At all.
I am now waiting for her to die and for one of my siblings to inform me. Apparently, my sister (who lives in another country, we don’t talk much) is also done with her and doesn’t talk to her at all. I guess our brother will let us know.
What I’m getting at is that you are under no obligation to cater to people who don’t want to tolerate you in the first place. If a guy you lived with for a while was an asshat and demanded to see your children, you’d think he was demented. But suddenly he nutted in your mother once and now it’s fine? Family means nothing on its own. Family means you have a default group of people you interact with, but it’s up to each individual to actually be friends and allies with their family members, and if someone isn’t being a good friend or a good ally, and even is actively antagonizing you, then why do you still feel like you owe them anything? What do you mean “finally getting to the point you should accept it”? Accept him into your life? Why?! What good will that ever do to you? Oh sure maybe you’ll get to think “well I made amends before he died” once he’s dead. Guess what, if you’ve never held a grudge against him like you seem to imply, then it’s actually not up to you to make amends. Don’t tolerate bullshit from people just because they happen to be related to you.
I’m starting to second guess myself. I’m 25 and haven’t talked to my mom in about 7 years. I feel like I at least owe her to talk to her about why I felt the need to shut our relationship down. I am also afraid of regretting not talking to her before her eventual death. But I also don’t know how to approach her after all this time.
Probably TMI but I wasn’t close with my mom, like the poster above she kicked me out when I finished high school at 17, I do understand, my dad had died and she had a lot to deal with, more younger kids at home.
I did not feel regret for not being closer when she died. It’s fine, we had what we could and she was close to my youngest sister, and I’ve been quite lucky in Mother-in-laws, mom of my ex and mom of my husband I am closer with. My mom I just would text on her birthday and mother’s day.
Don’t give what you can’t. Focus on your life and stay polite with her, and distant is fine. It’s not wrong to take care of your own life and it won’t keep you from being close with other people.
Does that feeling come up more when you’re sober and healthy, or when you’re high, sleep deprived, or under systemic inflammation?
If the feeling is coming up when you’re at your clearest, it’s probably worth following. If it’s coming up when you’re at your most muddled, that’s probably a sign it’s worth ignoring.
