I am married and have a couple young kids. Recently late diagnosed at 31 years.
Surprise! Turns out the loud noises and random chaos that comes with kids sometimes leads me to a meltdown.
Usually, I can feel it coming on and go “hide” for 5 minutes in a dark room to reset myself and go back to being a helpful parent. Wife is very understanding and supportive.
The problem comes when we are out in public. I’m not always with my wife. Last week I took the kids on an outing, and wife was taking the opportunity to shop (fortunately nearby, but out of sight or earshot) while I played with the kids. One thing led to another and I pretty quickly found myself melting down with no way to stop it, and became basically paralyzed and barely able to keep the kids from getting lost, much less destroying everything in the store.
Luckily my wife answered her phone and was close enough to come help (about 15 minutes because she was in line to buy things), but with my kids I couldn’t just abandon them and go “hide”. But it took me a good hour to come back to reality without any good hiding place to reset myself.
I know this is a potentially dangerous situation for my kids, and quite unfair for my wife to have to come save me all the time, but unavoidable sometimes. Any tips to prevent/delay a meltdown in critical situations like this? I can’t use earbuds in this case like I usually would because I need to be able to hear my kids.
Edit: I had no idea I might be on the spectrum until after having kids. I suspect growing up in a very mellow family and then living mostly alone afterward isolated me enough from triggering situations and social interactions in general I just didn’t connect the dots.
I am suffering mightily right now myself. I am about to go on short term disability and choking back a full on meltdown. Hang in there brother.
It’s not the easiest solution, but I have a prescription for a small amount of diazepam to use as needed to “abort” meltdowns, although it’s officially for “panic attacks”. Obviously that requires the insight to see them coming which isn’t always possible.
Hm, interesting. I have been getting better at noticing the buildup to a meltdown, but you are right it’s not perfect. I might ask my doctor if there is something similar I could have in in emergency. Thanks for the tip.
I was going to recommend a relevant strategy for your inventory. Start becoming aware of when you are building up to a meltdown, accept it, and abort what you are doing to prevent it from happening. If you are responsible for kids in the moment, you can always go to the bathroom. I love the bathroom. I just chill in there on my phone until I feel safe to come back out.
You might consider avoiding the situation entirely, at least while they’re still too young to understand how to accommodate people. Was there some particular reason your outing needed to be in a space where supervision needed to be constantly immediate? Consider the park, a playground, somewhere w little rough and tumble is expected where you can withdraw into your mind a bit as necessary, where the only source of light is the sun, and sounds don’t echo off walls and stuff. A nice open space where you can sit, and they can run.
I’m a few years past the situation you find yourself in. You should have a talk with your kids and explain your sensory issues. They can probably be more accommodating than you think if they know what’s going on with you. You don’t have to be super man to be a great dad, and the only thing hiding your issues will do for them is make them ashamed about their own when they develop. And everyone developes some issues at some point. That’s about all I can say for the in the moment issue.
Except… have you stopped caffeine? Are you getting enough sleep, or at least high quality sleep? Do you have unaddressed allergies? Do you eat food that doesn’t agree with you? Are you getting regular bereif but intense exercise to burn off stress hormones? Sock seams that bug you, but only when you’re in a bad mood? My point is the more stressors you can remove, the more you’ll be able to take without it being a problem.
Think of it like a bucket you’re carrying around. All the irritations pour in some water, and you probably don’t notice until it’s just about full. Then it sloshes out and you have a problem. The good news is your bucket is probably way bigger than you thought, but you have to empty out the things you can control so you can accommodate the things you can’t.
And your kids will get older and easier to deal with, and you’ll continue to get better at parenting, and it’ll all be way easier. I know how overwhelming it can feel, but you can almost definitely get some improvement in the short term by meeting your own needs better, and in the long term it will tend to get better on its own.
Our stories sound similar. Calm, relatively stable upbringing and then mostly self isolation leads to symptoms being unrecognised until children and other stresses build up and the symptoms are no longer under control.
The best suggestion I can give you is learn to accept your limitations (I’d say that to anyone, really). Managing two children is stressful for most people, for you even more so. That’s a fact and it’s OK. You get overwhelmed when there’s too much going on. That’s a fact and it’s OK. Sometimes we aren’t going to be able to cope in life. That’s a fact and it’s OK. So in this situation, you now know that you will find it too difficult to manage your kids where you are without support from your wife. That’s a fact and it’s OK.
Maybe you could arrange to take them somewhere else that has less sensory stimulation next time, or you agree with your wife that she has time to do things like shopping when you are at home with the kids. It’s difficult to give suggestions without knowing where you were, but hopefully you get the idea.
Depending on how old your children are, speaking to them to ensure they know not to run away without you (and reinforcing the boundary when they do run away from you) can also help. (Most) Children like having responsibilities.
Mostly forgive yourself for not being able to cope in that situation. Modern life doesn’t allow any parent to be perfect, but we can aim to be good enough and that’s even more the case for neurodivergent parents. Give your kids a hug and tell them you love them then accept their love when they give it back. I definitely struggle with that but recognise how important it is.