I’ve 🐝 bee-n fighting for two years now. I have this « job » that I’ve been stuck with forever now. My inability to enjoy the little things of life is just another indication of my dereliction: hating the bitter man I’m becoming, seeing myself in people I despise, being unable to think, speak, create.
There’s no future for me here. No way out from my work. No time to dedicate to what I love. I read the introduction of Camus’ « L’homme Révolté » about absurdism in other to be something else than a consuming shitty human, and I don’t agree with most of the moral dilemmas: killing yourself is not the same as killing another person. I’m making a choice for myself and maybe, one of the limits of this argument is that I’m imposing my absence on others…
But who might miss me? My family & friends? It’s true, there are the ones that made me stay this long, but nothing is changing, and I need to help myself.
ಥ_ಥ, maybe see you tomorrow ?
Therapy, exercise, and finding a job with good work life balance.
And when shit gets really bad, Propranolol.
suicidal ideation is a common coping mechanism for feeling trapped. i think saying it like this helps because it draws a clear line of causality; you feel trapped -> you feel suicidal. i don’t think this accounts for 100% of cases, but from both research and experience, it seems fairly common
this also seems to apply to how you’re feeling. it seems like you feel trapped in regard to two situations; one, your job, and two, your anhedonia (fancy word for “can’t feel happy”)
suicidal ideation is, in my opinion, a sign you need to seriously reconsider your consent about your current life. here’s a personal example to illustrate this: when i was a couple of years into college, i was passively suicidal from working myself so hard all the time and not doing anything to enjoy myself. i had to take a step back, and seriously reconsider two things: one, that i had never given myself the choice of doing anything other than college (my parents simply insisted i did, and i had no better plans); and two, that nothing in college was worth burning myself out for, and that i needed to set aside time to enjoy myself, the mounting pile of homework be damned. this addresses consent in two ways: the first, that i hadn’t consented to this path in life (and was now, retroactively, giving myself the opportunity to either drop out or continue), and the second, that i wouldn’t consent to a life where i was only working and never enjoying myself
so i feel like, following this train of logic, it works out to a problem you can solve with your job (how can you get to a place where you have the time to engage with things you enjoy? do you need to scale back your hours? do you get paid enough to use money to offset the hours you’d have to put into cooking / cleaning / etc? can you put extra time in upfront so you can have more time off later? etc)
anhedonia is a little tougher, because it’s hard to know if it’s caused by the situation. i would try to improve your situation with your job and see if it improves. if it doesn’t, you should look into seeing a psychiatrist (and also maybe a therapist). anhedonia is a common symptom as a result of being in a prolonged fight/flight state, which i imagine has gone along with your job stress. however, you may have trouble coming out of it on your own, even with the job stress sorted. regardless, please keep in mind that it is not a permanent problem. your joy will return to you in time
other things you can do in the meantime are to practice deep breathing exercises, try to exercise in general (yoga is especially good for this kind of thing), take some walks outside in nature, try to be present in the moment and in your body
but i think it really just shakes out to making life worth living for yourself, which i definitely believe that you can achieve. it may take time, it may be difficult, but knowing that’s where that time and effort will lead makes that struggle worth enduring
I went to Malawi during 2-weeks for faring in an eco-lodge and I remember that in the contact of new people & nature I felt better than ever, I feel like it’s not my mind but more of the accumulation of shitty stuff everyday.
I’m actually in the situation you lived through, I’m in the french high school system, last year with exams. School has always been hard for me, fighting my mind, being harassed, I’ve come to hate it, I’d be better off on wikipedia learning stuff by myself.
But everyday I’m forced to go to experience the shallowness of people, teachers & educators. I have no energy to do anything but… consume content on my phone to not think about my shitty situation.
And right now, I’m so fed up this existence of student, trapped in the petulent academic system that I can even focus anymore. I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t remember.
ah, i see. i’m sorry that school is so rough for you
how long do you have left? what are your goals after school? before you can plan what actions you want to take, you should figure out a tentative plan for the future so you know what you’re working towards. i would recommend enlisting the aid of a trusted adult for this
i’m unfamiliar with the french system of education; is it possible to drop out and take a certification that is equivalent of graduating? (generally, in the US, this would be frowned upon, but would be worth it if the situation is as bad as you’re describing, i think)
all that said, you likely can coast and do minimal work and at least graduate. if you’re being harassed by someone, you should report them / tell them to stop / basically go out of your way to avoid them, or cause problems that are clearly their fault (although that can be difficult). it may also be worth talking to said trusted adult about this issue
teachers being vapid is pretty much out of your control, but just because they’re vapid doesn’t mean the material is. if you take an interest in learning things for the sake of learning, and digging beyond what they give you in school, you can at least attain valuable knowledge about the various subjects of your classes
this is part of what i learned in school myself; even though you’re forced to be in school, you’re the only one responsible for if you learn something or not. so learn the ways you are able to and get what you can out of the environment. maybe french high school is super difficult, but you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. you should be able to learn stuff well enough to pass
still practice the breathing, exercising, etc that i mentioned, though. this:
And right now, I’m so fed up this existence of student, trapped in the petulent academic system that I can even focus anymore. I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t remember.
sounds like you losing your executive functioning to stress. your anger at the situation is valid, but you need your brain to be online to cope with it and get out. take a step back, breathe in, hold. release as slowly as you can. repeat
try to notice when you’re spiraling with emotion, try to remember to breathe when you are. it’s hard at first but over time you’ll notice it quicker and be able to respond in the moment
you’ll make it out one day. just focus on getting there
What an insightful comment. This kind of distinction between what is really going on, can help people suffering like OP.
@noctisatrae@beehaw.org, the suicidal thoughts are an indication you’re feeling stuck. Know there are always options, even if you don’t see them right now or are sure there aren’t any. Talk to people, like you’ve done here, and eventually you’ll find a new direction. Bringing it up here already is a great step, I’m impressed you’ve done that.
Alexithymia is difficulty recognizing or understanding one’s own emotions. I think you maybe meant Anhedonia? (inability to find enjoyment in things, expecially things that were previously enjoyable)
Care to share what you love?
I love making music, I love coding & contributing to open-source, I love writing/DMing tabletop roleplaying games & stories, I love reading fantasy & philosophy (mainly) books, I love to grow gourmet shrooms, I love meeting interesting people, urban exploration
I love the world and what it has to offer, I can not participate in it… I’m stuck in this shitty situation
Why are you unable to participate in the world? What withholds you from gaining happiness? If it’s just your job, then I’d suggest finding another job, but that seems like an obvious answer, so I assume you’ve already looked into that.
I’m in the french high school system which are very long working days (which is normal) on uninteresting things with teachers that hate teaching, and classmates with endearing stories but questionable sex lives of which they talk way too much.
In all this shallowness, I have no energy when I get back at home, after doing my shitty math homework, to even boot up my laptop to work on my coding project.
It’s constantly fighting your mind that tells you that there’s more to life, that you should not waste your time with such a poor experience.
But you don’t have self-determination, you just have the responsibilities of going there, putting down a smile, and get fingered for good grades to go to a shitty engineering school teaching Java from 2008 and then work at a shit ass computing job where you’re the genius computer guy installing Adobe Reader on everyone’s PC.
May I ask, how did you get stuck in a job? I ask since I changed my occupation field rather drastically once (studied biology, went into freelance design and live visual arts) and there is a good chance I might do it again soon (right now I’m not sure what I will do next).
You say suicidal thoughts, which I believe you have, but you showed us your depressive thoughts. Some times, it’s not intellectual, it’s just one aspect of your biology you can’t will away. You might need medicine, you’ll definitely need to work on it without knowing if your efforts will get results.
I saw in another comment you talking about the things you love. Choose one and really set aside some time to enjoy it. Create a period of total selfishness. Do something practical.
Intellectually, to quiet the voices that are so negative and justify bad decisions, I suggest you question them, specially when they are absolute. For example, “there’s no time to dedicate to what I love”. Really? No time, zero? Is that the absolute truth? Try to be more truthful. Maybe the time you have is not enough (but again, really?), which doesn’t mean zero time generally. Just being honest about your situation can help change perspectives and stop you believing the lies you tell yourself.
Do you enjoy watching videos? There are some professionals I regularly watch that usually help me see the directions I could go to improve myself. To tell the truth, I’m in a low right now and not being treated, but I wish I were.
Posting for convenience:
A list of suicide hotline numbers
Argentina: +5402234930430
Australia: 131114
Austria: 017133374
Belgium: 106
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Botswana: 3911270
Brazil: 212339191
Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223
Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
Croatia: 014833888
Denmark: +4570201201
Egypt: 7621602
Finland: 010 195 202
France: 0145394000
Germany: 08001810771
Holland: 09000767
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
Hungary: 116123
Iceland: 1717
India: 8888817666
Ireland: +4408457909090
Italy: 800860022
Japan: +810352869090
Mexico: 5255102550
New Zealand: 045861048
Netherlands: 09000113
Norway: +4781533300
Philippines: 028969191
Poland: 5270000
Russia: 0078202577577
Spain: 914590050
South Africa: 0514445691
Sweden: 46317112400
Switzerland: 143
United Kingdom: Various recources
USA: 18002738255
You are not alone. Please reach out.
