To be clear, im queer and im in a relationship with a gay cis man.
Some days ago we were watching a sketch on YouTube about the gay best friend stereotype, where the joke was basically “I can be misogynistic and can walk into female dressing rooms because im gay”. I was trying to gather my thoughts to write a piece about it, personally I have no problem being the “gay friend” to my female friends, but there are a lot of stupid and harmful misconceptions about it. I would like to hear some of your opinions about it.
Being a gay best friend doesn’t mean you can flout misogyny. Even though I am non binary (amab) I respect women’s spaces. The patriarchy doesn’t end just because I identify differently now. Afab are in clear and present danger around amab. When I see women I think “Are they going to respect my gender identity?” But what they evaluate is “Is this person gonna go Ted Bundy on me?”
Afab are in clear and present danger around amab.
This is not accurate.
Leaving aside the fact you were talking about gender in the first half of your post, and then switched over to assigned sex as if they were the same thing, a more accurate statement would have been “AFAB folk, and gender diverse AMAB folk are most at risk from cishet men”
Your statement here positions some of the main targets of aggression as being the aggressors
As with all jokes it matters who the audience is. My friends can make off-colour jokes with me, I can reciprocate with off-jokes. But I would never do this with people not fully aware of my actual opinions. This also counts to clear misogynistic jokes.
My closest female friends they would be fine with it, they’ve known me for years, I’ve supported them in their lowest and they know I would never mean the a horrible thing I say. They’ll happily reciprocate with some toxic male jokes, or some gay jokes. That said, even when I make them they are both clear intended to be jokes, but if they ever looked uncomfortable then it would be my guilt to bear, as at the end, as the audience they are meant to enjoy the joke, not be sad or hurt by it.
Making them to strangers is a big no-no, and if strangers are in the room with you at the time (like a party) you also have to “match the energy” of your friend. That means don’t randomly do something misogynistic that they would understand to be a joke, but strangers would not. I think this is the hardest for most people as they don’t consider that strangers witnessing could also be accidental audiences.
That it can be a form of ‘tokenism’ that erases or ignores the vast majority of my personal characteristics and reduces me to a cliche.
I hated identifying as a gay cis man after a while. It was in a small US town and the identity came to feel like a straight jacket (ha!). My identity is much more fluid now even though I fit the descriptor of ‘mostly gay’ in a statistical sense.
I’m not your fscking ‘gay’ friend, in a nutshell. If someone doesn’t understand why I might feel this way, well then the friendship is probably doomed.
Sounds more like they’re spouting old gay predator stereotypes from the 80s-2000s
Yeah but in a comedic tone. The joke is like:
- Straight guy she barely knows calls her removed. Gets slapped.
- Gay best friend calls her removed. They laugh together.
Anyway it 100% sucks, but I think the missing piece is that having an inside joke with someone you trust makes the situation entirely different. While the other guy is being a dick and insulting her out of the blue. So the sketch really misses the mark on that one.
Anyway I never called any of my female friends removed. Ever. Like, why?
I think some of this is the safety aspect, like gay men can joke around with women or exist in her personal space because women won’t see that guy as a predator or think “but what if he is actually objectifying me or will turn on me in the future for not reciprocating like he wants?”
I find these sort of behaviors uncomfortable, on a personal level. Like, I don’t want to call any woman a slur, even jokingly. But different people have different thresholds.
However, as a gay trans man (and smaller than most women), I have noticed that some women are much more comfortable interacting with me than they are with other men. I’m not seen as any sort of threat or concern. I think that’s the important part, threat assessment (sounds crazy if you haven’t lived in that world, but women are constantly performing threat assessment as they go about their day - what an awful thing for half of the population to have to just live with).
The most important aspect of any relationship, and this includes friendship, is consent. Like, if a woman and a gay man have a sort of relationship where they have mutually agreed this sort of stuff is ok, more power to them. But there can’t be assumptions made on this, like a gay man can’t think “it’s fine for me to call women slurs jokingly, after all I’m gay” because not all women will be ok with that, and vice versa. Each person is an individual, there’s no group monolith that makes certain behaviors universally okay.
