I’ve become aware, as I get older, how my initial emotional reaction to conflict isn’t always fair and is usually pointed backward, defensive and angry. I also know that I do better if I have time alone to process how I’m feeling, and often by the time I’m done things have moved on.
What I’ve been working on is to stop using excuses - the moment has passed, I’d just be dredging up the same argument, I’ve had this conversation in my head a bunch but they never turn out exactly right - and just go back to the people involved and tell them how I feel because they deserve that effort. There have been disagreements I’ve had where I wasn’t in the wrong but the other party did something I can admire and appreciate, and it doesn’t hurt me any to say that.
And it never ends with what I imagine is “argument perfection”: a point by point discussion of intent and action and history. Which is silly because life is messy but it gets better and I and others grow more patient and willing to move forward if I’m not always bracing for a blow.
That’s…probably a bit confusing, but it’s been something I’ve been mulling over, so…what personality traits of yours are you working on?
I’m a good listener, but I’m not a good question asker. I want to try to ask more questions during conversation, so people know I’m interested in what they have to say.
@wesker @Lemmylefty I find this happening in phone call convos w friends at times. They’ll tell me things that are going on in their lives that may not be ‘ooh interesting’ but that I enjoy hearing about/reflecting upon with them. But I don’t always have feedback or insights or questions to ask etc, so as I’m thinking of something to say, the Convo veers off to some other topic, maybe with the impression given that I’m not interested, which is definitely not the intention
I’m trying to cultivate a stronger sense of kinship/kindness towards complete strangers. My natural impulse is to take on an adversarial/defensive/judgemental stance towards people which is unhealthy. For example if someone cuts me off in traffic I just assume they’re a terrible person - but I have to remind myself that having this reaction only makes my own life more unpleasant. Things work out better if you assume the best in people.
One time I was speeding up the freeway at 5am doing about 20 over the limit. At the time it was a two lane freeway and there were two cars side by side. I flashed my lights at the car in front and they wouldn’t move so I eventually looked ahead and over took them on the shoulder. Probably were thinking what a nutcase but I had my wife in labour in the passenger seat HAHAHA. Sometimes, you just don’t know the reasons for a person’s behaviour and we can often judge their entire person from an interaction in a minute moment in time.
Oh by the way, she was crowning by the time we got the the hospital, he didn’t wait lol
Trying to become a more “active” listener. My brain tends to want to immediately come up with a response without fully waiting to hear the whole conversation. Hence often, I speak before I think and/or before the person I was listening to was finished talking. I am trying to quiet my brain until the speaker finishes their commentary before I pause and work on a thoughtful reply as opposed to blurting out the first thing that comes to my mind.
@Zathras @Lemmylefty I do this too! I find myself interrupting people to finish their sentences at times, or assume I know what they’re going to say and think/spit out a response to move the Convo along. After doing some internet research, I’m starting to wonder if it may be a symptom of undiagnosed ADHD or something 🤷 might be worth taking a look into and asking a professional
It’s amazing how hard this is. Once I started working on it I realized how much of the time I am just running a search of something in my experience that is somehow related, instead of actually listening and thinking of follow up questions. Once you start getting better at it you start realizing how often others have the same challenge.
Super valuable skill and habit to learn. Good luck to us both.
Oh this is very familiar.
I think this is an aspect of AD(H)D; you know you have something to say, but you’re not sure you can hold onto it AND what the other person is saying at the same time.
In my case, a lot of the time I just don’t process conversation at the same speed that other people do. I like text for a reason: I can marshal my thoughts, edit comments, and see what I’m responding to instead of relying on my memory which is…poor.
At the same time, there’s the notion that different communicative means produces different communication styles. A phone call is not a face to face talk is not an email is not a letter is not a DM, so each should differ according to the medium. Deep, insightful comments might lend more towards written conversations, partly because they’re hard to say in the moment and because they’re hard to react to.
I’m acerbic. Sometimes I’m outright a jerk. I’m pretty good about taking criticism and I like taking that criticism because then I can improve, but then I apply the same to other people who may not want to be criticized in that manner. I’m trying to be more mindful about how certain people communicate and like to be communicated back to, but it’s a slow journey.
Great question. I’m trying to change my narcissistic tendencies that sneak into many aspects of my life and relationships. I struggle seeing things from other people’s perspectives, get extremely defensive if feel challenged and often empathy doesn’t come as natural to me as I would like.
