This happens in Germany.
Work culture doesn’t fit my personality: I don’t talk much, I keep to myself, I simply want to do my job and go home, I separate my personal life from work, my colleagues are full fledged gossips, ignore the duties that need to be done and then expect me to help them when they are late. I don’t have patience for that crap anymore.
Due to internal regulations, I have to stay on the unit for 4 weeks after sending my notice. Answering honestly the question of why I’m quitting would ensure that they yell at me and bully me, and I don’t want to experience that again. Even saying ‘it’s none of your business’ ensures that they feel insulted and start yelling. I have decided I don’t have patience for people like that anymore.
So, what do I say?
Start telling a long and rambling story that in no way relates. Keep talking until interrupted.
Interrupt yourself with explanations that jump from place to place on the timeline of events but doesn’t help the story in the slightest. “It all began with (insignificant event) back in (month and year). We were supposed to be doing (work task with too detailed of an explanation), but (coworker) started talking to us about (current event at the time, explain in too much detail). Then (I/family member/friend) got COVID about a week or so later. I think they probably got it from not wearing a mask at (event). (Explain all the COVID precautions and conspiracies and left vs right politics).”
Be sure to punctuate your actions with the occasional “…Which was the style at the time.”
I remember being on the hiring committee for my new manager. One of the two finalist candidates took several times longer than necessary to answer the questions without adding substance. When we met to discuss our decision, most committee members tried to voice more substantive reasons. Finally someone just cut the shit and said something like “it sounds like no one wants to listen to him talk.” So yes, yammering is an excellent people repellent.
If they ask you to get to the part where the reason for quitting comes up, insist on giving them the “necessary” “context”.
Then continue talking, except this time about some completely different incident. If they ask you to complete the previous incident, insist you were talking about this new incident all along.
Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues
Now if there was ever a job for an LLM like ChatGPT, this is it
I asked llama2.ai and this is what it said.
The suggestions sound… generic. I guess that’s the point.
- Keep it simple: • “I’ve decided it’s time for me to move on to new opportunities. I’m excited about what the future holds.” • “I’m leaving for personal reasons, but I’m grateful for the experience I’ve gained here.”
- Emphasize positivity: • “I’ve learned so much during my time here, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to have worked with such a great team.” • “I’ve really enjoyed my time at this company, and I’m going to miss working with you all.”
- Offer support during the transition: • “I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly during the transition. Is there anything specific you’d like me to focus on in my remaining time here?” • “I’m happy to help with training or knowledge transfer in any way I can. Just let me know what you need.”
ChatGPT gave me:
“I have decided to move on to pursue different opportunities. Thank you for your support and cooperation during my time here.”
I asked Bing to answer like a politician. Here’s what I got.
I appreciate your engagement on this topic. It’s indeed a multifaceted issue that requires a nuanced approach. When contemplating the intricacies of career transitions, one must consider the broader socio-economic factors at play. The dynamics of the workforce, the shifting paradigms of work-life balance, and the pursuit of personal fulfillment are all critical elements that inform such decisions.
In the grand tapestry of one’s professional life, each role is a thread that contributes to the overall pattern. It’s not merely about the positions one holds, but the narrative they weave together. It’s about the people you meet, the skills you acquire, and the impact you make. And sometimes, to continue weaving that narrative, a change of scenery is necessary—not because the previous scene was inadequate, but because the story demands growth, and growth often requires change.
Moreover, in the spirit of public service and the continuous quest for improvement, it’s incumbent upon us to seek out challenges that not only test our mettle but also contribute to the collective advancement of our communities. Thus, when one door closes, it’s not a termination, but a transition; not an end, but an evolution. And as we evolve, we must adapt our strategies and roles to better serve the common good, always with an eye towards the future and the endless possibilities it holds.
It’s important to consider that a career, much like a journey, is composed of various experiences and opportunities. Decisions regarding one’s professional path are often reflective of a multitude of factors, including personal growth, aspirations, and the ever-evolving landscape of the industry. It’s essential to align one’s professional endeavors with the broader objectives and values that we hold dear. Thus, any decision made in this context is done with careful consideration of not only the immediate implications but also the long-term vision for one’s contributions to the greater good.
These are the best answers of the bunch. Honest, direct, and without emotion.
I’ve quit a toxic workplace before - I just said “it’s a bad commute”. Nobody can really pick at that reasoning since everyone has way too many personal variables for commutes (even from adjacent houses) to be comprable.
“You! You’re the reason I’m quitting. Yeah, you’re just kind of a shithead, you never do anything, you just kinda run your mouth all day long and I can’t fucking stand it. Like an unbuttered piece of toast thinking it’s interesting…”
This is where my mind went too. Instead of a dull response, come up with some elaborate, ridiculous response.
Tell them you got recruited by the US CIA to root out foreign corporate espionage and begin your training with Seal Team Six in 4 weeks.
