When growing up my parents taught me to stand up to bullies. (We’re talking about verbal abuse and manipulation, not physical bullying.) Following that advice as a kid led to mixed results yet it’s stuck with me into my adult years.

These days though, using this advice only seems to backfire. When I give them what they’ve given me, the bullies just get more angry and use that to justify their continued bullying. They see themselves as the victim.

Any suggestions that would be more helpful?

105 points

When I was in school (long ago), I always kept to myself, never bothered anyone, but people still picked on me sometimes. Once I was sitting in class and another kid put me in a headlock, for no particular reason. He probably expected me to do nothing. I didn’t want to hurt him or start a commotion, but I punched right at his nose, and pulled my punch right before making contact. Well, this must have startled him a great deal, because he jumped back while letting out a loud fart. It reeked. The teacher came into the classroom and she had to clear everyone out because it smelled so bad. But anyways, I don’t think he ever messed with me again.

So basically, see if you can make them fart in front of everyone.

permalink
report
reply
5 points

lol

permalink
report
parent
reply
66 points

I had a bully that kept walking past my desk and kicking my leg for no good reason when I was 12. I tried to announce loudly to the substitute teacher that day to get him to stop. I know for a fact that the teacher and all the students heard me quite clearly. But the substitute teacher didn’t even acknowledge me, nor tried to do anything to stop him.

So, I tried to stand up to the bully myself. As he walked past yet again and kicked my leg again, I swung around behind me as he was passing just behind me. Unfortunately my glasses distorted my view as I tried swinging while looking past the edge of my glasses and I missed.

The dude turned back and punched me in the right eye, breaking my glasses and busting my face. I came close to losing my right eye. I left the class along with him to go to the principal’s office, crying and keeping my right eye closed. I was scared that my right eye might have been ruptured. Luckily not though, but it was mighty close.

Anyways, in the long run, the other student was expelled, his parents had to buy me new glasses, and apparently they fired that substitute teacher for not doing a damn thing to prevent the situation when I first announced it.

Long story short, you can’t always expect an adult to do the right thing, sometimes shit just happens. If I had it my way, I would have avoided any fight to begin with, but since I was being ignored, I tried to resort to self defense. Didn’t work out like I expected, but the dude got what he deserved.

Fuck bullies!

permalink
report
reply
12 points

One moral of this story is practice your punches before you get into a fight.

permalink
report
parent
reply
14 points

If they had landed the punch, chances are they would have been expelled instead of the bully.

permalink
report
parent
reply
7 points

That’s very possible actually. They technically listed me as suspended for the next 2 weeks myself, but I think they only did that as a technicality for sake of the superintendent’s office records.

They never actually told me I was suspended though, and I didn’t miss a day of school. Everyone at my school knew the whole thing was messed up, and they knew I didn’t do anything wrong.

permalink
report
parent
reply
1 point

I guess that could have been useful too, if that’s what you want to take from my story.

But nah, seriously I was trying to swing around behind me, I was looking out of the corner of my eye, beyond the angle of my glasses. That was my only significant mistake, and an unavoidable mistake at that.

Since I was looking beyond the edge of my glasses, my vision had a distorted shear where everything was doubled (seeing the same thing outside of the glasses and also magnified within the field of my glasses).

It apparently really screws with one’s depth perception when looking out of the corner of their eyes while also wearing really strong glasses.

permalink
report
parent
reply
5 points

I’m sorry for your experience. It sounds rotten.

I was scared that my right eye might have been ruptured. Luckily not though, but it was mighty close.

How the heck was that determined? I haven’t heard of many eyes being ruptured by a punch from a 12 year old.

permalink
report
parent
reply
9 points

He cracked my right lens in half. It wasn’t so much the strength of his punch (but it did take a strong punch to break my polycarbonate lens), it was more the sharp edge that cut my face open, just a couple millimeters from my right eye.

permalink
report
parent
reply
34 points
*

What are they doing to stand up to the bullies? They only understand definitive language or actions. If your child is just saying “no, you can’t do that,” nothing will happen. In the past, “standing up to a bully” generally meant breaking their nose.

EDIT: oh, this is about you as an adult, not your children. Good luck, adult bullies have that behavior ingrained in them from decades of training. Avoid them or get them in legal/job trouble, those are your only realistic options.

permalink
report
reply
8 points

Exactly, the adult world has the same authorities you can get them in trouble with. Just call the police, their employer, spouse or mother and tell them how shameful their behavior is.

I love those speeding aggressive work trucks that have the employers phone number right on them.

“I’m sorry to bother you: so who of you employees is currently usingg that van? You might wanna have a talk withe them.”

permalink
report
parent
reply
33 points

Could you be more specific about your situation?

To me, “stand up to bullies” really means “don’t let yourself be a victim”, and that doesn’t sound like bad advice.

permalink
report
reply
30 points
*

I think I could help with this since I lived with an adult bully for about 1.5 which was a horrible experience, but I took it as a major learning lesson and promised myself that I would be a support and advocate for victims. So, here’s what I learned.

Bullies are predators that look for what they think would be the easiest victim. They need to bully because they are extremely insecure, yet the bullying makes them feels superior in their heads. So, know that their weakness is insecurity, and they see a weakness in you. Using this info, you can work on their weakness to show you’re not an easy target by protecting yours, and they won’t get the sense of superiority out of bullying you.

Tips:

Do not play their game.

  • They are the experts on this. Once you recognize someone is trying to bully you, know that they have started to work on you for a while now. Thus, if a bully throws you the ball, don’t throw it back. Put it down. If they start a conversation with you that you don’t want to have, say, “That’s interesting, but I’m focused on something else right now.”

Have very solid boundaries.

  • Know what they are, verbally state them when appropriate, and stick to them 100%. They will search for where they can violate this, then capitalize on it, so do not let one thing slide. You have every right to leave if you feel that someone is being antagonistic or offensive. You can even leave if you feel uncomfortable and want to recollect. If anyone forces you to stay, that’s a major red flag.

Be grounded in your truth.

  • Bullies will try to define reality for you. For example, “It’s not that they are abusive assholes because they’re so insecure; it’s that you are weak and deserve it or they’re just playing.” Nope. That’s their delusion. Stay planted to your reality. It may help to write it down as a reminder for yourself.

Greyrock. Greyrock. Greyrock.

  • That means to have no noticeable emotional reactions to any of their bullying. They feed off of reaction, whether it is good or bad. Do not show that they are affecting you in any sense. This makes them feel insecure, so their strategy of bullying you isn’t working.

I-statements.

  • You can say whatever you want as long as you don’t mention anyone else by name or pronoun. So rather than saying, “You are insulting me.” Say, “I feel uncomfortable right now.” That is 100% acceptable and no one can argue how you feel since it’s generally considered a jerk move. If anyone does argue your feelings, they’re gaslighting you because they’re telling you to trust their reality over yours.

As adults, they are playing a social game.

  • They are trying to paint you as the bad guy, paint themselves as either strong or the victim (depends on the immediate setting, but think of how Trump is always either strong or a victim), isolate you, then creating alliances with others to start bullying you, whether the others know it or not. For me, this is the hardest of the areas to work on, but basically I remember that they are focused on the immediate moment. You need to play the long game. Stay stable and don’t start with gossip, trash talking, or whatever. You need to demonstrate through your behaviors that you are not what the bully is telling everyone else you are. Also, do not believe anything the bully tells you about others. That is a manipulation strategy. For example, they may tell you that, “Person A is such a bully to Person B.” This will trigger your sensitivity, get you to isolate from Person A, and start trusting the bully a little more since they are apparently against bullying. It’s all a game they play. As long as you understand that they are delusional, you can accept to not trust a thing they say, even is many of their statements are littered with half-truths. Remember, everything they say has a manipulative purpose. Eventually, the bully will either get sick of trying to bully you and it not be effective, or they may actually lash out enough for you to take more concrete steps, such as legal, contacting HR, or whatever.

Do not speak poorly of anyone else.

  • They will use this to trash your reputation with them, especially if it is something that other person is vulnerable about. They can prompt it by going, “I don’t mean to be mean, but I’m kind of concerned with Person A’s health…they just look a bit too overweight.” You, trying to relate, respond, “Yeah, they do seem a bit overweight, and they’re not helping themselves eating Chic-Fil-A for lunch. Maybe they don’t know how to eat healthier.” Later on, they go to Person A, “Hey, I want you to know that I am just trying to be a caring person and don’t like any drama, but I thought it was rude what someone told me about you…Lettruhut was talking crap about how you shouldn’t be eating Chic-Fil-A because of your size.” Person A then gets justifiably offended and can even confirm the half-truth by coming up to you and asking, “Hey, do like Chic-Fil-A?” You unconsciously remembering the previous conversation respond, “No, it’s too much for me.” That’s it. You just confirmed what the bully implied.

Do not share anything personal with the bully.

  • If the bully comes up to you and says, “You know, I feel bad about taking home pens from work sometimes. It feels like I’m stealing.” Do not try to console them by being vulnerable, such as, “I don’t think that’s a big deal. One time I really needed just a few staples, so I took some home from the office because I didn’t need a whole box.” In this example, you just admitted to the bully that you steal. The bully will immediately start spreading that info unto others. They may tell a manager, “I’m a bit concerned that Lettruhout is stealing because I saw them taking home office supplies. I’ll show you what I mean at the next meeting by pretending that I’m doing it, you play along, and we can see how they react.” Next meeting comes along, “Hey everyone, I want to know what you guys think…I’m a bit embarrassed about this, but I’ve been taking home pens from the office, and I wanted to know if you think that’s a big deal?” The manager says, “I mean, something so insignificant, that’s fine. If it were a computer, then of course that’s a problem though. What do you think Lettruhut?” You responded, “Oh yeah. One time I took home a few staples. I was really nervous about it, but I’m glad you guys are sensible. I was actually worried that you guys would see it as stealing.” Boom! You just admitted that you stole, while the bully has an alibi for what they told you they stole. When you get punished for it and try to accuse the bully of it, you now look like a liar as well, and no one will believe whatever you say about the bully from there on out. Anyway, as long as you don’t share anything personal with them, they will see that you’re not an easy target and prey around for someone else.

If you see them bully someone else, become a source of support for them.

  • Don’t tell them what you saw, but ask them to tell you how they experienced it and be a supportive sense of validation grounded in reality. This shows them that you are healthy and also that their recollection and interpretation of events are valid.

Know that as long as you are not dealing with a lethally dangerous psychopath, you have already won.

  • You have won because they are playing an antagonistic game based on fantasy. You are living a collaborative life based on reality. Since you are aiming to be collaborative, you limit the amount of antagonism you create. In fact, it is others that create the antagonism which you may fall victim to. However, their entire lives are antagonistic, so they are more likely to mess up and have a longgggg history of terrible relationships and records. Being based on reality, you’ve already won because you share the same world with everyone else while they have to not only manage that information, but also have to develop and coercively disseminate their delusional interpretation of it. You only have to remember facts. They have to remember facts, delusions, lies, and the specific manipulation strategies they use on each individual involved. That means that you have much more mental resources available to focus on the problem than they do.

If this is a person threatening your safety, then you need to collect evidence and get authorities involved.

  • Not only keep track of your interactions, but find a way to mount evidence. What I did with my bully when I was kicking them out of my life (a dangerous moment because they act more intensely since their about to lose their insecurity drug), I would put my phone on record and in my pocket so that I had evidence to share with people if I needed to. While that particular example wouldn’t be admissible in court in my state, I could still share it with police, medical professionals, or lawyers so they know I am being truthful. In retrospect, I could have tricked them into giving me consent by starting the recording in my pocket, then saying, “So if what you’re telling me is right, you wouldn’t care if I recorded it?” They would have to respond, “No.” Then I would go, “So I have your permission to record this?” They would say, “Yes,” assuming you’re not recording, so then you can say, “Ah, never mind. It’s not worth it to go get my camera.” Boom! Just got consent and bonus, they now think you believe their BS even more because you didn’t follow through to get the camera.

edits: grammar and a quote

permalink
report
reply
5 points

Wow. All very well said. I’m sorry someone made you this informed on the subject.

permalink
report
parent
reply
8 points

Thank you! While I understand the sentiment, I’m happy that I can help others out of it now, too. One of those bittersweet things, I guess.

permalink
report
parent
reply
2 points

I try to do the same thing. It makes the suffering not hurt as much. It’s hard to see others go through the pain, though, and someone recently reached out to me when they saw it in me, so I’m trying to pass the empathy on. Keep being a force for good, and thank you for helping others!

permalink
report
parent
reply

Ask Lemmy

!asklemmy@lemmy.world

Create post

A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions


Rules: (interactive)


1) Be nice and; have fun

Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them


2) All posts must end with a '?'

This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?


3) No spam

Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.


4) NSFW is okay, within reason

Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com. NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].


5) This is not a support community.

It is not a place for ‘how do I?’, type questions. If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.


Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.

Partnered Communities:

Tech Support

No Stupid Questions

You Should Know

Reddit

Jokes

Ask Ouija


Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu


Community stats

  • 11K

    Monthly active users

  • 3.8K

    Posts

  • 204K

    Comments