Wendy_Pleakley [they/them, he/him]

I have very much got into the habit of just not making any assumptions or interpretations beyond the very literal. I must be infuriating to talk to but lol

Beyond the core assumption that people don’t want to talk to me, I have avoided interpreting to an intense degree, in that if people don’t talk to me I assume that means they just don’t want to. If I initiate a conversation, and the other person doesn’t initiate the next time, I am left in analysis paralysis and we often don’t talk again. It’s like I want someone to run in and slam the “Executive Function” button for me.

I grew up watching reality TV so sometimes I use my imagination and pretend I’m in a confessional on an island in Panama, or whatever. It’s a framing device for me and only me lol

If you find a really weird special interest that you really like, maybe it’ll drive you to talk more? :3 The vast majority of my social motivation is talking about weird stuff, Idk.

I have interests that I go nuts for, I just get caught in this assumption that people don’t want to hear about it. Because if I talk and nobody responds, I get very caught up in why people didn’t respond. I’m fighting years of post-game analysis every time I say something and wonder what people think. I want to understand so I can improve. But the world just at large doesn’t care if I specifically understand things, so…

There are situations where it’s like, if I could even tell clear-cut whether it was my fault, I could deal with it better. I tend to get huge spikes of anxiety when there’s no sensory input, socially, like I don’t get any feedback…

I relate to this so much, and I find that I have to rely on myself to interpret things. Which is, like, terrifying, because if I misread things I might feel super embarrassed. I’m very much used to relying on someone else’s opinions

For me it is also hard because, uh I genuinely annoy people a lot of the time, literally I talk too much. That might sound like an eyerolling anxiety self hate thing, but I talk at extreme lengths to the point people have just quit in the past

Sadly I am pretty much the opposite, I am quiet to the point that I can’t engage and others don’t know how and neither do I. It’s frustrating because I can’t hate myself but also, hot damn I would like to change this about myself. I wish I had better insight for this specifically

I have been nervous about social situations for a while for the exact reason you said: I never know how it’s going. I am kinda always second guessing myself and what I find is that my mind is just spitting these sort of anxious thoughts out really quickly. So for me there is value in forcing my brain to slow down, sometimes it’s me distracting myself and sometimes it’s me sitting still trying to just observe the nasty thoughts. When they’re slower, I recognize what for me is essentially a script of self-hatred. Not really any organic or in-the-moment thoughts.

So, I tell myself that I’m not good but I don’t even really believe that when I beat myself up. And it’s the same kind of thing with mistakes. I literally keep thinking about dumb shit from 2019, and even though I have the insight to reflect, I am still trapped in wondering if I did something stupid. There’s this recognition more and more that my brain is using this like a chew toy, I’m making myself anxious for fun!

I am often caught in a literal way of relating to people! I’m currently trying to talk myself out of there being a “right number of times” to reach out during a week or “does this warrant texting someone”. Because I’m so caught up on these things that I just don’t text. I want to be better connected, and that desire is starting to outgrow my fear of saying something stupid.

Again, not sure if this is anything, but I relate very much to your comment

Realizing you’re trans and and autistic at once is a massive barrier, especially as someone who masked and repressed hard until pandemic-times made it impossible.

There is no rulebook. You just say stuff and people will either respond or not. Idk if there’s meant to be any middle ground between massive people pleaser and aloof introvert, but I’m trending the latter because the rejection is painful.

lot of tv static in my brain. idk how I want to present anymore. i could imagine how i want to see myself sort of but it’s staticy now. fighting my desire to not take up space, hard