deranged_physicist
I’ve been having a lot of dysohoria and my labs showed my hormones were critically low, so my doctor just bumped my HRT dose 10x. Turns out my first doc had me on way too low a dose! I was taking 1mg per week, now I’m taking 10mg lol. Should help with my energy levels and stuff going forward. Expecting to have mood swings and stuff this week as my dosage bumps up though!
One thing that really wowed me was that my sense of smell changed a lot over time! Now, I can barely stand the smell of the garbage sometimes.
I’m generally more in touch with my thoughts, less quick to anger or grow irritated, and it’s easier to moderate frustration when it grows overwhelming.
Also I cry a lot more. A LOT more.
I just read through that and it was really helpful for me too. A lot of sexual hang ups I have originate I think in dysphoria and how I coped with it before even knowing I was trans. My experience coming out and coming to terms with myself and my own pain has been extremely illuminating as to why it is I behave the way I do. Why I find certain things so uncomfortable. Thanks for the resource!
Thanks for the comment. You’re right about the depression and anxiety not being necessarily related to my dysphoria. I’ve had severe depressive episodes my whole life, going all the way back (based on what my parents have told me) to when I was a young child. I know I’m not ever going to escape it entirely and I’ve made some peace with that. It’s just how my brain is. Been in therapy/psychiatry for almost a decade now, sans the last year or so. I do believe that a catalyst for my worst period of depression (when I was around 15) was puberty and I think that’s related to deep seated dysphoria and resentment of the changes that physical maturity brought about in my body. My depression is… I think better now than it has been. It’s certainly different with a different prominent sex hormone. Less prolonged episodes of detachment and emptiness, more severe intrusive thoughts and rumination—bordering on obsession. From what I’ve read it seems like a lot of other trans people also have experience with their symptoms of mental illness shifting or contorting after starting HRT.
I think making a plan and checklist to track my progress is a great idea. I think I’ve been overwhelmed with all the things I want to do and thus haven’t made steps towards any of them. Legal name and gender marker change, voice training, etc. Thanks for the advice!
Thank you very much for the comment. It really helps with the anxiety and doubt hearing other people have had similar experiences to me. Almost started tearing up at work when I read this 😭
It feels sometimes like it’s too hard and it would be so much easier to run away from it, but I know that it wouldn’t really be. Thanks for the reassurance, I believe some day it’ll get easier
I used to have a therapist/psychiatrist that I loved so much back in my home state, but I couldn’t keep seeing her when I moved. Which is dumb, I was only ever seeing her virtually anyway, so it’s just as easy for me to see her now as it was before. I haven’t started seeing a new one here yet because it’s hard to find a therapist I like and also money things. I have decent insurance but my deductible is really high and I can’t afford it rn.
I really only ever look myself in the mirror when I’m shaving for work every day. It’s usually hard to see myself as myself, and Im almost always dissociating from my physical form pretty hard so that I can at least accomplish the things I have to get done like work, chores, and errands. It’s hard to feel like I’m present in my body, ya know?
That being said, I definitely like my own appearance more now than I used to.
Thank you for the comment, it was reassuring. I hope that some day I too can look back on this as being the worst of my dysphoria.
My partner also has been encouraging me to make queer and trans friends IRL. It’s hard to find time when I’m having to work so much, but I’m getting to the point where I’m just going to have to make the time or continue to suffer.
