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3 points

“but let’s be honest, who cares what some film nerd thinks when Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes can objectively”

Do you even know what “objectively” means?

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2 points

It’s a piece of satire, they were being hyperbolic.

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2 points

You realise the article is written sarcastically? It’s taking the piss out of people who’d base their decision on whether to watch a piece of media purely on a convenient numerical score. People that see 50% on Rotten Tomatoes and take it as an objective truth.

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2 points
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I fear for the soul of the person who read this and thought “yup this is all normal ways to feel”

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