TL;DR: We had a talk because GF said she doesn’t like some behavioral stuff about me. I said tell me what it is, and maybe I can work on it. She said no, changing, even just small changes, for the partner makes no sense, better find someone more “similar”. It’s a bad signal for me because it implies she wouldn’t take compromises either. I can’t see myself being with someone who can’t talk about stuff like that and take compromises.
We’ve been together for more than a year. I haven’t noticed it myself that much during that time, but we recently had a talk. She told me that she’s unsure if we really fit together long term. Topics like differing interests and behaviors of me that disturb her. I told her I didn’t know she dislikes my behavior for these specific cases, but if we talk about it, we can work on that. I’m happy to adjust some stuff like cleanliness at my home (we don’t live together, and it’s about stray newspapers, a pair of socks on the bedroom floor and the likes, for that particular case).
I thought I proposed a good and honestly quite normal solution. Talk to each other, take compromises for my partner, accept them not being perfect. Sadly, I was wrong. She proposed that she doesn’t like the idea of me adjusting my own life for her sake. She also indirectly said it could be better to date someone that doesn’t need compromising to fit her “needs”. Obviously she didn’t pick those words, but that’s what I understood.
Now, I love my girlfriend and I obviously try to make it right for her. However, her not accepting that I’d change little things about my life for her sake is kind of a bad sign for me. She was so extremely against that, it makes me think she doesn’t feel like taking compromises either. In fact, it’s quite obvious now, she wouldn’t really take a trade-off. And I’m not here for that. While I’m mostly fine the way she is right now, I don’t think it’s possible to be together without compromises for any couple. I thought back into the past a bit and it’s true. She doesn’t really do much to find compromises with me, it’s basically just me who accepts her stance on whatever it’s about.
Also, who happily agrees with every quirk and decision their partner has? You’ll have disagreements, and sometimes it’s not about who’s right or wrong. You just have to talk about it and try to find a way around it. If it’s a huge disagreement and there’s no viable solution, fine. There are dealbreakers. But other than that, I’m sure you can find a compromise for most stuff. At least that’s how it works in my mind if you really like a person.
Right now, I’m trying to find out if I really understood her correctly, but if nothing changes, I don’t really see a future here. My two close friends that know about this both asked if I’m her first relationship, but I’m not. However, it from what I heard she was like that in previous relationships as well. But can’t be sure.
Has this ever happened to you? Am I the weird one? Am I unfairly only telling my side of the story?
Ideally I’d like to hear from your girlfriend directly, but assuming that’s not possible…
I agree with the other reply: she either wants out of the relationship for unrelated reasons, or is far too immature (or ignorant?) to have a healthy long term relationship
I’m married. Compromise happens all the time in healthy relationships. That’s not “giving up” or “changing” for the other person. It’s changing for yourself because you want to make the other person happy.
My mother taught me this one: If there is something I can do that will make my wife feel good, and it’s easy to do, and it costs me very little, then why the hell WOULDN’T I want to do it? Their happiness makes me happy.
No two people fit perfectly. Two humans sharing a life - whether lovers, roommates, friends, or family - are always going to have some varying amount of conflicting behaviors/desires. Mature adults figure out how to work together so that everyone is content. Quitting at the first sign of conflict is childish
NOTE: This type of behavior may indicate a severe issue with conflict avoidance. Being unable to resolve conflict in a healthy way is a giant red flag for me. It can often stem from some form of trauma. But imagine what will happen if life throws a real challenge your way and your partner doesn’t have the tools to deal with it.
ETA - Re: note: only you can judge whether it’s worth putting in the effort to try to be there while this person works through their issues
I’m with you, to the tee. As it stands, I feel like my choice/opinion only wins if she’s indifferent to it. “Luckily” she’s quite bad at deciding, so I don’t notice it much. But in the long run this won’t work out so luckily all the time.
Re: note: only you can judge whether it’s worth putting in the effort to try to be there while this person works through their issues
True but my hopes aren’t that high. From what I understood she’s been like that in previous relationships.The odds that this would subside by itself just like that are probably not too high. Like I mentioned somewhere, she’s also not very available for therapy or counceling.
Still, I’ll see what I can and want to do.