Oh my, if you insist.

It was a grey and damp October when The Incident occurred. At first, some people thought it was an accident - but then it happened again. The first was a mystery, the second an enigma. Both were massive shits that no human could possibly have left - or so we thought.

These colossal beasts were sometimes in the toilet, but sometimes hanging over the edge - trying to escape like a big slug or angry brown whale.

It kept happening, mystery upon mystery. And yet no one observed the source. How could this be?

Soon, these things were not just on or in the toilet, but on the cubical walls and in the sink. They were advancing and threatening to break out of the bathrooms and into the corridors - or who knows where. Would you turn in your chair and see one right next to you when you least expect it?

October turned into November, and then December and with various notices pinned up and emails and whispers and gossip, the poos seemed finally to have gone back from whence they came (or at least, stopped happening).

Then, in December just before Christmas, an awful present was left. It could not have been Santa, although it was definitely from someone who had eaten the world’s supply of mince pies relatively recently. The massive shite was so big it blocked the plumbing and the office had no working toilets at all. There was an exodus of people, leaving early for the day - with that giant turd, Christmas had come early.

Every December I look back on those events and the unexpected gift, and wonder if the magic of Christmas will ever happen again.