I’m an ex incel myself, but I’ve been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. “I’m not attractive enough”, “I don’t socialize correctly”, “I’ll never find a woman” - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.
Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.
I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I’m now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.
So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what’s your story?
I was like that for a long time. I think I solved my problem by mostly thinking about my situation and the reasons for it and managed to separate fact from fiction. Something that also played a role was to - for a while - literally giving up. For a while I thought I would stay alone forever. For a while I was able to relax a little and not be that desparate, stressed guy who thought his time was running out. Who had to always think about opportunities to meet someone. I could just be myself. Desparation isn’t a very attractive trait. I realized that there actually where quite a few women who seemed to show interest in me, but I never was able to see it, because I felt so beneath them. Them showing interest in me was unbelievable. In times where I didn’t try to desparately meet women or get them to be interested in me I was much better at talking and being interested.
I think I was lucky in having a rather rational way of thinking about problems. That’s how i was able to understand myself and find a way out of this whole. What were the things that (I think) got me out of it:
- I was able to think of women as just other humans.
- They are not automatically miles above me and i would have to hope to get their attention out of luck
- They sometimes are as desparate or unsure of themselves as I was. They were actually pretty glad if I was showing interest in them (previously I never dared to talk to them just for the sake of it, because I feared they would be annoyed as they would always be talked to by idiots like me).
- I remembered something someone said to me as a teenager: " You will make 10 times as many friends in the time you try to get people to be interested in you If you instead show interest in other people". I realized that for a long while I had the mindset of “please pick me!” when i thought about women. I was the low being who would have to hope to be chosen. I was thinking about wearing interesting shirts, or doing interesting things so that someone of the “upper class” would find me worthy enough and talk to me. Only late in life I realized that other people - especially women - weren’t some higher level being - some mythical alien creatures. They were a lot like myself, yearning to be recognized by other human beings. And that I wasn’t that low as well and a lot of other people - especially ( again:) women - were quite happy if I showed interest in them. So for anyone reading this: It might be strange to ask other people their name or from where they are, what they do, what they like. what problems they have. But after a while your thinking changes. Then you might actually genuinely be interested in them. And a lot of them greatly appreaciates it. So: try to be for other people what you want them to be to you. And don’t only talk to people who you want to get into bed. Just expand your perspective. talk to people.
It’s mostly just the mindset. If you’re thinking your worthless and other people are unreachable, then your behavior will mirror this thinking.
Another thing: I am quite glad that when I had this phase in my life “incel” culture wasn’t a thing. At least there were no dark corners in the Internet offering me easy explanations for my problems. I came from a strange place, believing that women where heavenly creatures miles above my sorry existence, so maybe not that typical incel-vibe, but I am still not 100% sure that these women-hating incel-idiots would have turned me against 50% of the population.
Vulnerability is attractive. But not trauma dumping.
There’s a time and a place. So don’t be afraid of opening up, you just have to do it in an attempt to connect with people. Not to try and abuse their attention for validation.
Secondly, never pay for an app membership. It’s not worth it and you’re getting the wrong idea how it works.
Make a casual profile with some good pictures and send casual messages. Try to be light hearted and show a little bit of personality.
That’s all you need. Anything more is a red flag to most women. Realize they are trying to sift through hundreds of people. They maybe have a few seconds to look through your profile.
Also stop using the word cuck. Don’t be terminally online and read some books. Expand your perspective. Women are attracted to empathetic and intelligent men. Someone who pays attention and listens. They will give you a lot if you give it back.
You raised a very important point, as I see it.
One thing we should remember is that incels become so not through the evil hearts, but through disappointment in society in general and women in particular.
Blaming incels only makes it worse, in a way.
Calling out? Good, especially in private. Going hostile? No, thanks. While incel mentality may often make a person aggressive, this is absolutely the case when return aggression is more of a reinforcement than anything.
For you personally I wish to find the person who fits and likes you. I would warn against dating services, though, as they are known drivers of frustration - and they are designed to keep you hooked, which means not actually giving you the person you’ll love (and leave the service for good). Communities around common interests seem to me like the best place to find both friends and lovers.
Not an Incel, usually I have great interactions with women IRL and it more often than not lead to dates and relationships. What I absolutely suck at is meeting people.
I’m currently desperately trying to figure out how to meet more people kinda in general. I have a solid friend group a mix of married, single, and in-relationship people but all our hobbies usually aren’t conducive to meeting people. I’ve recently joined a 20s & 30s meet up group for random activities to hopefully meet some people and I’ve been trying to casually read or stuff in local places like Barnes and Nobel. It just feels hard to interact with strangers nowadays if there’s no medium to start the conversation.
I’ve looked into volunteering but all the opportunities are during my work hours so that’s out unfortunately. I’m an introvert so usually bars and the like are out of the question for me. Kinda just stuck. My life otherwise is actually in a pretty decent spot overall
Not an incel but someone on the trans-and-women-hating pick me pipeline: Got into a fight with a Reddit mod about autism. I’m autistic and ended up arguing with a sub’s mod about how not all autistic people are special snowflake tumblerinas. Left such a bad taste in my mouth that I stopped going to the sub, which was my main source of hate content. Let me get exposed to other viewpoints and ultimately I came out as nonbinary after previously saying nonbinary people weren’t real.
Honestly… Two years in prison. Made me grow up and see how shitty I was as a person.
Mind if I ask you more? What was the nature of crime? How do you feel it changed you? It’s very rare nowadays to see stories of people who feel prison actually helped them becoming better people, and I’d love to know more.
Of course, only if you feel like talking about it; if not, this is alright!
