My neighbour (40/m) (“N”) confided that his recently retired father (70/m) (“G”) has started going to the casino twice a day (all day but he comes home for dinner).
G’s losses affect the food they eat (multi generational household).
N doesn’t really know what to do. I’m not so concerned for N, moreso his mother/G’s wife.
It’s not my business but, when I was a kid my boyscout leader committed suicide after gambling away his house so I’m pretty sensitive to this sort of thing. I’d like to help if I can.
Any advice?
So G is retired and gambles away food money?
Make sure N’s assets are safe from G.
If G loses the house, N can invite his mom (or both of them) to stay with him if he wants.
Addictions often stem from a lack of stimulating activities or connection to others. The recent retirement supports this, as he would have lost both at that time. So he needs to get into some hobby that’s less likely to leave him homeless, but that is gonna fill those needs. You gotta find him somewhere to go that’s outside the house that he can:
- mostly rest/vegetate
- occasionally get rewarded
- do either alone or with a trusted friend
- consume mind altering substances while vegetating (usually alcohol)
With all this in mind I now realize why there’s so many jokes about old dudes fishing. Do with that what you will.
But yeah. You should start some kind of multi generational hobby club for how to sit around and all be dudes together. There’s probably some younger men out there who missed that part during COVID too so like. And figure out some activity that’s not going to be horribly boring to the younger adults that won’t be horribly overstimulating to the older adults.
I’ve always thought the answer to the whole men’s mental health crisis we’re seeing today (I work in inpatient mental health) was getting men to connect better with each other in addition to women. A lot of guys say they weren’t taught to talk about their feelings which means not only are they losing a lot of opportunity for emotional validation, but they’re losing that validation from where it would matter most; the people most like them. I say this because a bunch of young male patients keep asking me for life advice and I’m like bruh we both know nothing I say is gonna make a lick of sense I wasn’t raised in that box.
Make a bet with them that they can’t stop gambling.
If they suddenly started doing this it can be a sign of dementia. Look out for other signs and consider a conversation with a doctor.
Talk to N and mother first. Open with your personal concern, and experience - to explain why you care, your good intention, and to give significance/urgency to the issue at hand
Offer your help in supporting them in their efforts. Discuss with them how they see it, the state they’re in, what they can do and influence.
I’d consider two approaches - not one or the other, but chase/asses both.
- Limit access to funds, secure funds for needs
- Help them (G) with their addiction and spending - this is very dependent on their personality, view, openness, and personality + your approach to them. Working together with N and mother is essential
If they don’t want your help, or don’t see any approaches as feasible, accept it as it is and that you can only do so much and not help everyone even if it’s in your capability and interest.
