Recently I have been struggling a little trying to accept and prepare for the consequences of coming out and exposing this very sensitive part of myself to the world. With the increase in hate crimes and anti-trans sentiment it is a very scary idea.
This was made even worse by a comment I found on Reddit today:
People ask why I bailed on transitioning. It’s not fun having your entire right to exist as a human being used as a political tool. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to have to spend my life justifying who I am to people who frankly don’t give a shit either way. They just want to hate me. 15 years ago nobody gave a toss which toilet I used in public. Today I’ll get spat on while waiting for a bus because I dared wear a dress. Not once in my life in this country till about 5 or 6 year ago did I ever feel scared for my safety for being who I am. I may be miserable now, but at least nobody is spitting on me anymore.
So I’d love to hear other’s perspectives on what they’ve actually experienced and how they have dealt with it. I am sorry for raising such a painful topic but hopefully it can help people.
The most transphobia I’ve experienced is honestly from my mom, which I guess is a bit sad.
I live in a liberal area and generally pass, so I don’t get much hate from people on the street at least. I know that even in this area, people can quite mean to non-passing trans women though, with a lot of stares and a few insults. I experienced the stares when I started out and it was kinda rough, but also you get used to it. I’m not sure it’s even negative attention, just attention. Pretty much everyone that I actually interacted with day to day has been nice, and once I started passing even the stares stopped.
The worst transphobia I’ve experienced has been from my mom. Each time we’ve talked about my transition, she would spew a bunch of nonsense about sex/gender, risks of transition, etc. She’s not really curious about the process, she’s just finding reasons to stop my transition somehow. Like that quote in the comment, I ended up having to justify who I am. It was exhausting, so I had to stop talking to her. It still makes me sad to have that bond severed, but honestly (as another commenter here put it) it’s not even just about the transition. It made me reflect upon a pattern of her not respecting me and my choices throughout my life.
I think most people on the street are scared to bring up the topic of gender transition just like that. They might be a bit mean, but I guess it doesn’t bother me. I am kinda airy though, so if someone spit at me on the bus, I may not notice or attribute it to something else haha. The transphobia from close friends and family really digs into me though…
Still, my life is now much better than before. I’m more present within my own body. My transition really put into perspective the lines within society and within my own relationships. They were there all along and probably would be revealed sooner or later, but I really shocked the system into revealing its nature.
Please know no that youre appreciated from some rando in indiana, good luck!
So I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not trans, so I can’t speak to that specifically. And if that perspective is what’s important to you, feel free to ignore.
But the main thing to remember is that they are not hating you because you are trans.
They hate you because they are hateful people, and will use whatever justification they can to avoid treating everyone well.
First it was black people, then Latin people, then gay people, etc.
They will always pick a group, big enough for them to be aware of but small enough they feel can be bullied without consequence.
And unfortunately right now, trans people are that group. But looking at the above list should also give you hope, because they tried to dehumanize all of those groups, and they lost every. Single. Time.
So just remember that ultimately if your not hurting anyone, then you are not doing anything wrong, and feel free to tell anyone that tells you otherwise to go fuck themselves. For being trans, or anything else.
Remember MLK’s quote, that the moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice.
Honestly it is scary, but it depends on where you are. I boymoded for a really long time and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be myself and I said to myself “screw it, so what if I die” and so far people have been a lot nicer to me than expected. However, I am quite hypervigilant and I make sure to look out for and avoid people I think will give me trouble.
I am not trans, but I will say that I think you should move to a more accepting area first. We would be thrilled to welcome you as whichever gender identity you’d like to be here in the Bay Area.
Best of luck internet friend.
