Recently I have been struggling a little trying to accept and prepare for the consequences of coming out and exposing this very sensitive part of myself to the world. With the increase in hate crimes and anti-trans sentiment it is a very scary idea.
This was made even worse by a comment I found on Reddit today:
People ask why I bailed on transitioning. It’s not fun having your entire right to exist as a human being used as a political tool. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to have to spend my life justifying who I am to people who frankly don’t give a shit either way. They just want to hate me. 15 years ago nobody gave a toss which toilet I used in public. Today I’ll get spat on while waiting for a bus because I dared wear a dress. Not once in my life in this country till about 5 or 6 year ago did I ever feel scared for my safety for being who I am. I may be miserable now, but at least nobody is spitting on me anymore.
So I’d love to hear other’s perspectives on what they’ve actually experienced and how they have dealt with it. I am sorry for raising such a painful topic but hopefully it can help people.
The most transphobia I’ve experienced is honestly from my mom, which I guess is a bit sad.
I live in a liberal area and generally pass, so I don’t get much hate from people on the street at least. I know that even in this area, people can quite mean to non-passing trans women though, with a lot of stares and a few insults. I experienced the stares when I started out and it was kinda rough, but also you get used to it. I’m not sure it’s even negative attention, just attention. Pretty much everyone that I actually interacted with day to day has been nice, and once I started passing even the stares stopped.
The worst transphobia I’ve experienced has been from my mom. Each time we’ve talked about my transition, she would spew a bunch of nonsense about sex/gender, risks of transition, etc. She’s not really curious about the process, she’s just finding reasons to stop my transition somehow. Like that quote in the comment, I ended up having to justify who I am. It was exhausting, so I had to stop talking to her. It still makes me sad to have that bond severed, but honestly (as another commenter here put it) it’s not even just about the transition. It made me reflect upon a pattern of her not respecting me and my choices throughout my life.
I think most people on the street are scared to bring up the topic of gender transition just like that. They might be a bit mean, but I guess it doesn’t bother me. I am kinda airy though, so if someone spit at me on the bus, I may not notice or attribute it to something else haha. The transphobia from close friends and family really digs into me though…
Still, my life is now much better than before. I’m more present within my own body. My transition really put into perspective the lines within society and within my own relationships. They were there all along and probably would be revealed sooner or later, but I really shocked the system into revealing its nature.
Since the start I’ve said that if I get stabbed I’ll be happy to die as myself.
I’m from a conservative countryside area in the Netherlands. I’ve heard terrible things from others but for me I’ve had endless support from people. Lots of love and care and often I have to stop people to tell them that I’m alright and that my experience offers way more positives than negatives.
The only people I’ve had real issues with weren’t from the Netherlands, and it’s exclusively young men who are clearly frustrated with life. Each time I’ve laughed with them and if it escalates I grab Google translate to tell them they are making fools of themselves. Works like a charm. But I seem to be lucky in this regard, as I have heard some terrible stories from others.
I’ve also decided to become smart and look up the law, and I’ve called the police to get some info. Apparently I’m allowed to record the situation if I feel threatened, but not allowed to share it publicly. Even a simple threat can mean jail time or other consequences.
So ya I can recommend doing the same. Try to get smart about your legal situation and see what leverage you do and don’t have, so it is clear before anything happens.
Maybe my situation sounds rosy but honestly I am homeless and lost some important family contacts. I’m living in my office and I’m cold to the bone. Financially it is impossible to make things work. Due to unannounced construction work on my office I might lose my client and I had to sleep in 3 degrees. I’ve been misdiagnosed quite a bit and I’m afraid to find support. But you know I’m an optimist. The sunrise is still there and so are the stars. I saw a cute kid and a young dog ran up to me. I like writing poetry and making photos. I’d share one but Lemmy is a buggy gal.
To be frank if someone ever decides to get violent with me I just don’t think it’s such a huge deal compared to all the other crap haha.
I’m from a very red county in Utah, and I had a lot of those same fears when I started transitioning about 15 years ago. I wasn’t as worried about hate crimes back then, but honestly, even nowadays I still feel safe. I’m lucky enough that I’m able to live my life in a low-crime area though. My main worries are about closing opportunities and my life just becoming harder and more stressful.
So yeah, I still have some fear towards being authentic around certain people. I still boymode (as best I can with my appearance) when I’m around family and somewhat at work. But I’ve always known that the earlier a person starts HRT treatment, the more successful their transition would be. So I started taking HRT as soon as I knew how to get it, and I never stopped taking it because I knew I would regret letting my body masculinize even more. And honestly now, I’m confident enough in my transition and who I am, that it doesn’t really matter to me what pronouns people use for me or anything.
I would just say that there is no “right” way to transition, and you can transition in the aspects you want and feel safe with, and boymode in others that are risky or that are not that important to you. But I would caution you to not close future doors by detransitioning, if you know you are trans. I think things will get better with time.
Support is important. Being trans means being a minority, and that means being exposed to minority stress. There’s a significant segment of the population that hates us (not because they really do, but because they’ve been conditioned to).
Being trans, especially during the transition period, is fucking hard,and it’s about 10x worse when Fox News is shoveling hate as fast and far as they can.
I’ve had a lot of really negative experiences since transitioning, especially in the workplace. But I’ve also found some of the most meaningful relationships and a career that feels like I’ve found my purpose.
There’s lots of good and lots of bad, and that’s why support systems are . If you’re in an area that is hostile with no support, you might want to look at non-social forms of affirmation. If you’re in a supportive or even neutral community with some kind of pereonal support system, then you have a real chance of living your best life.
If you’re somewhere in between, I suggest weighing the risks and benefits and going from there.
I have had far more positive interactions than negative ones. In 10 years, I’ve never been physically assaulted or directly insulted or threatened in public. While transphobia is pernicious in society, it doesn’t often present explosively. Far more people are uninformed or misinformed rather than actively hostile.
