She gained some weight but she is not fat at all!
“I don’t think so but if you want us to eat healthier and get more exercise I’m game”
He said in his post she has put on weight. Why lie when there are many other not lying answers that are much better?
She was underweight before because she hardly ate anything. She’s way better now. But some people comment on her change of weight because they compare it to how she was before.
When she was under weight, just tell her she looks a lot healtier then she did and most importantly that you like her no matter what.
With humans it’s just like with other animals, you shouldn’t be able to see the ribs, you need to be able to feel them, just. (You can go hunt for them and tickle her to prove it ;) )
It´s a trap. She seems to suffer from an eating disorder, so if you directly respond to the statement, you can only lose. No matter what you say she will find a way to turn it around. Instead ignore the “I am fat” part and immediately steer away from the topic. Try something like:
I’m sorry, it looks like this is freaking you out. You know it’s not useful to talk about it, right? So, let’s do something to change the mood. Shall we (insert activity you both enjoy) instead?
I wish you both all the best!
Has gained weight is different than is fat.
She could have gone from 97lbs to 98lbs. Gained weight, but not fat.
It’s not lying. Fat and overweight mean different things in this context. Fat is a pejorative word, carrying a negative connotation. Overweight is a statement of fact
The gf isn’t saying, “I’m fat,” as an acknowledgement of her weight being over the recommended bmi, she’s actually saying, “I’ve gained weight, and I feel ugly and I’m concerned you won’t be attracted to me anymore.”
Might as well ask Lemmy how to pass the Kobayashi Maru test, while you’re at it.
Might be a tricky example. The answer to that according to a certain cadet is to cheat. Not sure gf would appreciate that.
I always liked Calhoun’s solution. Obliterate the Maru. It’s either a trap or it’s not. If it is, you don’t want to leave it there for someone else to fall for. If it’s not, you don’t want to leave it there to cause a diplomatic incident, and fiery plasma death is probably better than whatever the Klingons / Romulans would do to the crew.
Of course, I don’t recommended launching a full spread of photon torpedoes at your gf.
Tell her the truth (as I understand it you don’t think she’s fat), but also ask why she’s asking in the first place. Offer some support if she wants to lose some weight.
I think open and honest discussion is the best approach here because now you’re jus guessing what the real issue is.
I think it’s due to comments from people. She was underweight before because she hardly ate anything. She’s now much better than before but people keep mentioning how she changed. It’s really dumb when people keep commenting about your appearance, but I gets to her sometimes. The same people were telling her she needs to gain weight before. ( we are in a developing country where these comments are sadly so normalized)
I see that the comments are geared towards bigger bodies trying to lose weight.
Your case is special. Food scarcity / eating disorders are very different from American lifestyles if you want to call them that. Emphasize your support and how much healthier y’all are in the present and will be in the future.
I hope it all goes well.
It sounds like she is definitely not fat, so you can be truthful and you aren’t looking for a way to tactfully say she is at an unhealthy weight. What it sounds like is happening instead is a bunch of busybodies are just stirring up trouble and trying to undermine her self confidence. If it wasn’t her weight, it would be her clothes or some other body part they would criticize. (for instance they’d claim she had a weird nose or ears, I had a “friend” comment on my how my knees looked weird and knobby one time. They were and are normal knees. My grandma tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me because my breasts hadn’t come in yet. I was 12. Both of these were people “looking out for me and trying to help” - they were not. They were trying to make themselves feel better at my expense.
You need to make sure she realizes these comments other people are making are not motivated in kindness, even if they are claiming they are. Try to find ways to help her see her worth and to help her ignore the bullying comments by these people.
Because of mainly my grandma, I learned to recognize when these comments were meant to be mean and to not let let them affect my self-esteem. Instead I realized they just made the person saying them look worse.
Occasionally, when they would get a comment in about something, like a big pimple, I would gray rock it and respond with, “yeah, that happens, oh well” and move on. Learning to not give them a reaction also makes it not fun for them after a while and they find other targets or shut up.
Learning to gray rock and not internalize the crap other people are flinging will help a lot. Having someone like you that she can trust to be actually kind and honest will help her reinforce to herself that the other people are just being unkind.
I think make sure she knows you’re on her side, and that you don’t value the opinion of those people. “I just don’t understand why they are so critical of your body and feel the need to comment on you all the time. You’re a healthy weight, and you look incredible, its just bizarre that they behave that way. What is their problem? I wonder if it’s jealousy, or maybe they’ve been brought up to be insecure about their bodies, such a shame to be like that, I’m glad we’re not like that” etc. Keep trying to reinforce that this is their issue, not hers.
Oh man. That is really rough to deal with. I watched my wife going through what you are and it was really hard on her. I hope you’re taking care of yourself as well as your girlfriend.
I(male, 36) have an autoimmune disorder that really kicked in during my teen years. I hit 172lbs(78kg) at 12 years old and then again at 32. At one point I weighed less than 138lbs(62kg) and I’m 6’4”(192cm). Got some medicine figured out and now I’m 215lbs(97kg), which feels and looks(!!) much much better.
It’s all a bit personal but I know to some extent what she’s going through. It’s really really hard to watch your body change even in positive ways. Hell, I was so malnourished I couldn’t do math in my head for ten years, it’s fucking weird having parts of your brain turn back on and get smarter. She’s probably going through a lot.
I’m not sure I can DM with this lemmy app but feel free to try. At the least I can lend an ear for someone for you to shit on. Everyone needs that!
My best advice, as trite and cliche as it is, would be to meet her where she is at. Talk to her. Find out what’s bothering her. Don’t judge even the silly stuff but remind her to laugh. Remind her that love is about who she is not the skin or body she wears.
She might need to be reminded or shown that not all comments are criticisms. People saying stuff about how she’s changed may be intended to be a compliment rather than a put down but it can be very hard to hear the words the right way.
Also, if you’re in a developing country this has got to suck. One thing no one talks about is god damned expensive gaining or losing weight or just getting health can be. I’ve spent about 2% of my gross income on clothing this year because I put on 25lbs(11kg) and I make around the Canadian median wage. The conflict of guilt around being an expensive person or feeling like crap in your clothes is hard. It feels stupid and invalid but it’s this constant ache of budget vs feeling like you don’t want to be seen. Maybe take her shopping if you can?
What do you expect? Your mom was fat and as you grow older you’re becoming her.
“You callin my girl fat you piece of shit?!”
