96 points

Damnit, I have 228 liters of dirty water…

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72 points

Sounds like you need two oysters

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62 points

Good thing the 2nd oyster is free if you call now!

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4 points

But if I have 2 oysters they’re gonna over clean the water or the second oyster is just gonna be wasted on only 1 liter of water.

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22 points

Get 1 1/227 oysters.

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5 points

Holy shit you’re a genious!!1

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47 points

does this hurt the oyster

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97 points

Don’t think so, but we can make it painful if that’s what you want?

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49 points

Can they scream? If not, can we make that happen?

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29 points
*

Ohh for sure, we can do that, you want just “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRHRHRHRHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” type of basic scream or you want it to go into specific details on where and how it hurts?

Both at the right decibel to not cause pain to the human listener, but loud enough to be heard at a distance.

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37 points

they make pearls with the pain

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12 points

Well you know what they say, can’t make an omelet without excruciating pain

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11 points

I’m pretty sure this is just how they eat

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8 points

Not really. You probably should avoid putting heavily polluted water through them though. They are the oceans waste buckets for poo water.

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3 points

One of many reasons I don’t eat shellfish.

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3 points
*

Pollution easily kills shellfish. If anything, that’s an indication that they are clean and from clean places. Oysters feed of phytoplankton, not waste/garbage and pollution.

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1 point

More for me.

Shell fish is not to be harvested after storm water events due to the increased fecal matter/particulate content of rivers. So I should be good.

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2 points
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Oysters actually need clean/unpolluted water. What they eat and clean is sediment, phytonutrients, and phytoplankton. Well at least that’s what I was tood by an oyster farmer. They clear the water which is good for the sea grass, and the small fish, which is good for the big fish and so on.

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46 points
*

okay but how do i stop myself from eating the mollusk? thats barely 100 kcal

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43 points

Oh, shucks

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14 points

Eating the mollusk will enable you to drink the dirty water and have it filtered in your very own guts.

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2 points

Let it filter the water and eat it afterwards.

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20 points

Will it take care of the nano-plastics for me or is that an upcoming firmware update?

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12 points

Never buy a product based on a promise of a future update

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5 points

it will, but please do not eat the oysters. However, even the oysters cannot save your from nanoplastics.

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18 points

The 800 number is missing a digit. Now how am I supposed to get my oyster?

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9 points

Well there’s only 10 options, try them all! (For science)

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1 point

Yeah but that’d be giving in to Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen and we can’t be having that

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1 point

I gotchu fam. It is 1-800-867-5309

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