I’m not sure this is going to help your mental state, but the word is “worst”. A is worse than B, but C is the worst of all.

I lived with my grandparents from grade 6 until i moved out after highschool, because we didnt have anywhere else to live. Family was always my grandmothers first priority. As she would say, “im the eldest. its my responsibilty. (to take care of our family)”

10 years later the girl was living with decided she wasnt happy and ended the relationship. I was saving up to propose to her what would have been 3 months after this happened. I went into debt for us because she couldnt hold a job for more than a month after we moved in together. She was paying for a 2 bedroom apartment by herself before we moved in together. I did then and still dont make enough to really to support me on my own let alone provide for both of us, being poor still sucks. But thats not the worst yet

So i moved back home because to my grandmother, she is the eldest and its her responsibilty to make sure family is okay.

She developed alzheimers on fixed income. I am not trained for caregiving but as she could no longer be by herself i passed on a lot of opportunities because i felt i needed to be there for her in her time of need like she was there for me(and the rest of us) when we needed a place to live. After my grandfather passed away my gran told me she would rather die in her own home if she could.

It got HARD. I was not able to stop working when covid happened. I worked everyday scared shitless that i was going to bring covid home and get her killed from it. I had to sit with her and comfort her when she was slipping away and she could realize its happening. In those moments all i knew how to do was just BE there for her. And somedays i had to do this on repeat every hour all day long if she wasnt sleeping.

If one of my brothers wasnt with me through this i dont know what i would have done or how i would have got through some days.

In september i had to call 911 because she couldnt lie down without howling in pain. She was in the hospital for a week (extremely short staffed and lengthy delays for anything to get done)

She was home for a bried period before it started happening again.

She never got to go home again. Her house was put up for sale and my brother and i were forced to move out. Over the next month i had more than one completely broken down cant think straight moments.

Her oldest son threw me and my brother into the street and ignored every thing we said like we were garbage.

My uncle the closest thing to a father i ever had. And his response and reward for looking after his mother as we watched her slip slowly into madness was to throw us into the street like garbage.

I still cant bring myself to go visit her for fear he might show up while im there. And its killing me daily that i cant be there for her. I just cant.

Im fucked

There was a lot of build up before, depression got bad. Honestly can’t go through absolutely everything that was going on. The final straw was locking myself out of my house and car in a town where everyone I knew was about 100 miles away, and I had a box cutter on me. I had the medical knowledge of how to cut to make sure it’d work. However I knew my dad, a paramedic who would walk away from horrible fatalities without a reaction was deeply bothered when a kid committed suicide, and I am an only child. Called the police on myself, took me to the hospital where the stress literally made it where any light whatsoever was a painful headache. Still comes back on high stress times.

Dad made me promise I wouldn’t take my life. The depression hasn’t left, it’s not as desperately bad as it was then but it’s still there. But been alive for about 15 years since.

I went to Idaho for a while.