I’m trans, came out just a couple of months ago. I don’t post about this on Lemmy very often (if at all), but it’s been a struggle. My dysphoria - in a nutshell, the incongruency between what I see in the mirror and what I want to look like as a woman - has had a profound effect on me. I’m pushing fifty, and I can honestly say transitioning is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.
I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day, but on the bad ones I feel as though I look like Quark in the DS9 episode “Profit and Lace.” I’ll tell myself all kinds of awful, self-hating transphobic things like “you’re just a man in a dress” or “ugh what is that thing” or “freak” or “you’ll never be a real woman.” What a repulsive thing to say to yourself, how terribly unkind. I have specific issues with my facial hair, which are being addressed, but things like that take time. It’s like I’m fighting a battle against my own body, something I think most people can’t easily relate to. It’s hard to be patient while living in this (emotionally) painful in-between state, not knowing if I’ll ever be happy with myself. If it weren’t for my incredibly supportive wife, I’m not sure where I’d be right now.
Yeah, today is a good day. For now, at least. I feel safe and comfortable posting this here, you guys have always been a supportive and accepting community and I’d like to say thank you for that. Maybe I should start posting in the blahaj instance rather than bombarding you guys with this. Anyway, I’m gonna sign off for a while, I got my hands full at work today and gotta focus. Thanks for letting me vent.
First, I’m happy that you feel comfortable posting about this here in a Star Trek community. Something about that makes me feel “correct” in my love for Trek.
I cannot directly relate to your struggles with dysphoria, but I am trapped in a body that tortures me. For all of my life I have struggled with autoimmune problems that were only diagnosed a few years ago. In that time, I have gone from having a decent job with decent pay to being unemployed and broke. After a couple of years of unemployment, I am working again but not anywhere near the salary level I was previously.
Nothing I could have done would have prevented my health problems - at least not altogether. My body hurts practically always, and I have hormonal issues that can only be addressed to a point.
As I put it, my body has betrayed me and become my walking prison. I had to make some major adjustments just to survive this shit, and I’m still struggling with just feeling healthy. I don’t imagine that I will ever be happy with my body for the rest of my life.
So while we don’t have the same issues, I think our suffering makes us siblings of sorts. I hope things get better for you! Just take things one day at a time and be sure to watch some Trek!
Thank you, PlasticExistence, for sharing. I must admit after reading your comment that in turn cannot directly relate with your struggles. I have health issues of my own that involve chronic pain (sciatica, arthritis), but I cannot compare it with what you’re going through. Friend, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I hope one day there is some breakthrough that can bring you relief.
You’re right, I suppose that does make us like siblings. Hello sibling! Hug I do try to take things a day at a time, thank you. And yes, I make time for Trek whenever I can. There’s something about that show, I think it’s that hope for a better tomorrow that always keeps me coming back.
I’m trans, came out just a couple of months ago.
Congratulations on coming out! I hope it makes you a happier person! I have a friend who I knew as a boy in high school who transitioned in between losing contact with her and getting back in touch and she is so much happier and self-confident now that she is who she was meant to be. She’s married, has a couple of kids, a good job, etc.
So I hope you find out the same thing even though there are still bad days (I’m sure she has them too). Being comfortable in your own skin is something I hope for everyone. And Star Trek is nothing if not accepting of people. IDIC.
Hey Flying Squid! Overall, all things considered, I am happier; I feel more comfortable, even a little more confident, and way less angry than before. I mean, I was really angry all the time, and I didn’t know why.
So happy to hear your friend is doing well and is happy. It really sounds like she’s living her best life.
Thank you for your kind words, btw IDIC is something that resonates with me as well. 🖖
Gurl, post wherever you want. This is Star Trek related in two ways. First, Quark. Second, Trek is all about hope and working for a better future. That means yourself as well as others. The needs of the many might outweigh the needs of the few but that doesn’t mean that the few do not matter.
I say this with every ounce of sincerity that exists within my bones, my friend.
Live long and prosper.
Fucking same and relatable. Fuckin internalized transphobia.
I know, right? Like, why on earth would I say such awful things to myself? It’s incredible just how low self-loathing can take you when you start feeling like maybe you deserve to suffer. It’s a terribly lonely feeling, and I try not to sit in that feeling too long. Helps to have ways of grounding yourself and snapping yourself out of it. Hope you are all right, friend.
As someone who started transitioning like 10 years ago. I still feel this way once in a while but the more you become the person who you want to be the more and more that voice goes away.
Plus hormones tend to change a LOT of what people look like. Always remember you are awesome and important.
Thank you thezeesystem, I’m glad to hear it does get better. I mean, I would assume it does, but…now that I think about it, I’ve never actually been told that by anyone! So thank you for that ❤️
